Nothing Like A Contact Closer

Its been a while since Juan Pablo blogggggged.....why has been so long since I bloggggggged....I think I'll Bloggggggg....

This baseball season, and last, I have been caught in Tiger mania here in Michigan. Its crazy, people are going nuts, mainly because this is a team that lost like a thousand games four years ago, you didn’t think it possible but I’m pretty sure they did (I’m also pretty sure that Jermey Bonderman will be the only pitcher to win the Cy Young having started his career something like 5-85 but I digress from my thoughts). Well, I can’t go as far as saying that I am a full out Tiger fan, because of bandwagon backlash, but I will say that I do like the Tigers and will root for them in the A.L. It’s not that I love the Tigs. I don’t think Brandon Inge is awesome, I’m not crazy about gum time, I think Zumya is a moron for thinking he’s going to get Rivera type breaks from umps in his second year of MLB existence, and I do think the Roaster cheated. To the naked eye, it would seem I have no reason to enjoy Tigers’ baseball, but you’re very wrong my friend. One man makes me ½ Tiger fan, that man is none other than the living legend, Todd Barton Jones.

Todd Jones is absolutely phenomenal. Detroit’s closer is one of a kind in major league baseball. He’ll come in to close out a game going for fly outs instead of strikeouts or grounders. He pumps his fist when Vladdy Guerro Rocks his 89 mph fastball 415’ to dead center because Jonesy knows the fence is 420’ and he has a centerfield who grew up dodging cars in Chicago (in case you didn’t know dodging cars makes you fast). Jones will walk to the mound rockin’ a Fu Man mustache, a grey camo undershirt, and a hat which sticks four inches above the top of his head. Hell, his appearance alone is good enough for 20 saves a year. You see this guy on the mound and think damn, we lost, but you know what, he rarely does. Jones has recorded 77 saves in the last two years and he’s currently leading the A.L in saves with 8. That’s better than the likes of Oakland’s Huston Street, Boston’s Papelboner, and the Yankee’s Rivera, perhaps the games greatest closer (sidenote: I believe the game’s greatest closer to be Eric Gange because of his ridiculous 70 something game close streak but feel free to disagree based on Rivera’s World Series performances. I tend to have some bias because I once saw Gange just completely F my beloved Brewers in like 5 pitches and some say I resemble the great closer). The point is, like or not, the man gets the job done and that’s what you want in a closer.

Not only does he get the job done, but the man speaks only truth. For example to further my case here are a select few quotes from my favorite closer in baseball right now (note: Gange is back on the DL):

“I can understand why people wouldn't want to watch. So I just tell the fans, either turn down the radio or turn off the TV and go get a sandwich; because in 15 or 20 pitches it'll be over, one way or the other."

"I only pitch one inning. So by the time they realize I don't have anything, the inning's over."

“Slamming the bullpen door seems kind of silly when the guy who pitched before me throws 10mph faster than I do.”


Jones on Leyland:"The man has been amazing all year. He's the only guy I know who can wave his hand and make your sandwich taste better."

Those are just a few of the priceless quotes to come out the mouth of the great Todd Jones. For length purposes on I didn’t even include the time Jonesy said Jamie Walker’s fat contract would get Walker all the generic beer, Wal-Mart fishing lures, and NASCAR tickets he could ever want, that was pure gold. By the way Walker responded by saying, “I don’t drink generic beer! I drink Budweiser man!”

So Todd Jones gives me a reason to cheer for the Tigers while I extend my stay in Michigan through yet another baseball season. I love the man, I love watching him, I love watching my friends watch him, and I would love to party with him at some point in my life. In fact I like Jones so much I might shave my jungle into a Fu Man and name my dong, The Jones; is that name taken Papa Bear?

Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-

Why the World is So Confusing

Yeah call your mothers, say a quick prayer of thanks, and get naked cause Juan Pablo’s back on eyeofthedog. First I would like to apologize for my absence. Recently I have touring the United States in search of the ultimate Freedom Town and needless to say Arkansas is anti-freedom. Between Branson, MO and NW Arkansas, a sweet spot I will refer to as “The Place Still Fighting the War of Northern Aggression”, my latest Freedom Tour Stop gets a placed somewhere between Stalin and Pat Robertson on the Freedom Lovers scale. But, I digress, onto my thoughts.

So last night we’re doing what any loyal fan of all things sports would do, watching the NCAA Women’s Championship game. The Lady Vols of Tennessee were in a fierce battle with the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, all together two giants going toe to toe. However, the most interesting story line of the game was phenom Candace Parker. In case you need a refresher, Parker is the girl who won the dunk contest just because she was a girl who could dunk. On a side note, I would hate to be one of the dudes who lost that contest because for the rest of their lives any insult they throw will be immediately volleyed with the inevitable “You lost to a girl in a dunk contest.” This is the equivalent of Ham Porter telling that prick with the letter jacket that he plays ball like a girl in the movie Sandlot. Insults like these put a man over the edge and one day we will hear about one of the dunk contest losers pulling a Pac Man. Back to Candace, she’s a good looking female specimen, in other words, she’s fine. Fine to the point that my pal Bcatt is wondering if it’s weird he’s attracted to a 6’4 black girl when he’s only 6’1. So we’re discussing how much we all like Candace when all of a sudden former Duke Center Sheldon Williams appears on the screen, with the top button buttoned on his collard shirt of course. At this point, I’m slightly confused, why is that douche bag (note: I’m a Duke sympathizer and still think this cat is a douche bag) at this game and why are they talking about Candace Parker’s game while showing his picture. Then all of sudden reality sets in and the world is flipped on its freaking end. The Anna Kournikova of women’s basketball is dating Candace Parker. SHELDON “I LOOK LIKE A BEAR WITH DOWN SYNDROM” WILLIAMS IS RAILING CANDANCE PARKER!!!! (Thank you Knockdown for that analogy).

I am now distraught. I just don’t get it, and then I begin to break it down. I ask myself a simple question, who dates women’s basketball players. I think back to my high school days and the reality sets in, there are only two types of guys who get with basketball players, well three if you throw the Amechi types in, but for the purposes of this blog we’re going to talk about two types. The first type of guy is the short fellow who goes after the hot ball player because he knows no one else will date her because of height. Basically, he recognizes his short falls and overachieves because he gets over the height difference. I can think of one or two circumstances on this but will not mention them here for fear of repercussion, but trust me, this happens and good for those guys cause I couldn’t get over the height thing, which is why I went after the volleyball player, well that and the spandex but that’s another post. The second type of guy, where our man Sheldon falls in, the gumpy basketball player. You see, the ballers on the team don’t waste their time with other girls basketball players; they go straight to the basketball groupies. This is why we don’t see a Kevin Durant type guy dating Candace and that’s why Kobe found his way to Eagle, Colorado (too soon? Nah). The gumpy guys can’t hang so they go with what they know, tall girls. This happened in my high school with a guy who we called Bunda. He was a tall basketball player who could bang the tramp and dated the other star basketball player who was good looking. Sheldon Williams is doing the same thing, however, I bet Coach K had to coach him into it cause, well he’s Sheldon Freaking Williams. Picture that arrangement:

Coach K: Sheldon this Candace.
Sheldon: Uhhhhhhh, can I grab her like rebound?
Coach K: No Sheldon, you may not or she will bitch slap you worse than Emeka Okafur did in the Final Four.
Sheldon: (starts crying)

Sorry about that, I got carried away. Now what can we conclude. Hot girls ballers are doomed when it comes to a good looking mate. So guys don’t feel bad or distressed about Sheldon Williams tappin’ a thorough bread dime peace, its just one of the quirks of planet earth.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-