Yeah call your mothers, say a quick prayer of thanks, and get naked cause Juan Pablo’s back on eyeofthedog. First I would like to apologize for my absence. Recently I have touring the United States in search of the ultimate Freedom Town and needless to say Arkansas is anti-freedom. Between Branson, MO and NW Arkansas, a sweet spot I will refer to as “The Place Still Fighting the War of Northern Aggression”, my latest Freedom Tour Stop gets a placed somewhere between Stalin and Pat Robertson on the Freedom Lovers scale. But, I digress, onto my thoughts.
So last night we’re doing what any loyal fan of all things sports would do, watching the NCAA Women’s Championship game. The Lady Vols of Tennessee were in a fierce battle with the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, all together two giants going toe to toe. However, the most interesting story line of the game was phenom Candace Parker. In case you need a refresher, Parker is the girl who won the dunk contest just because she was a girl who could dunk. On a side note, I would hate to be one of the dudes who lost that contest because for the rest of their lives any insult they throw will be immediately volleyed with the inevitable “You lost to a girl in a dunk contest.” This is the equivalent of Ham Porter telling that prick with the letter jacket that he plays ball like a girl in the movie Sandlot. Insults like these put a man over the edge and one day we will hear about one of the dunk contest losers pulling a Pac Man. Back to Candace, she’s a good looking female specimen, in other words, she’s fine. Fine to the point that my pal Bcatt is wondering if it’s weird he’s attracted to a 6’4 black girl when he’s only 6’1. So we’re discussing how much we all like Candace when all of a sudden former Duke Center Sheldon Williams appears on the screen, with the top button buttoned on his collard shirt of course. At this point, I’m slightly confused, why is that douche bag (note: I’m a Duke sympathizer and still think this cat is a douche bag) at this game and why are they talking about Candace Parker’s game while showing his picture. Then all of sudden reality sets in and the world is flipped on its freaking end. The Anna Kournikova of women’s basketball is dating Candace Parker. SHELDON “I LOOK LIKE A BEAR WITH DOWN SYNDROM” WILLIAMS IS RAILING CANDANCE PARKER!!!! (Thank you Knockdown for that analogy).
I am now distraught. I just don’t get it, and then I begin to break it down. I ask myself a simple question, who dates women’s basketball players. I think back to my high school days and the reality sets in, there are only two types of guys who get with basketball players, well three if you throw the Amechi types in, but for the purposes of this blog we’re going to talk about two types. The first type of guy is the short fellow who goes after the hot ball player because he knows no one else will date her because of height. Basically, he recognizes his short falls and overachieves bec
ause he gets over the height difference. I can think of one or two circumstances on this but will not mention them here for fear of repercussion, but trust me, this happens and good for those guys cause I couldn’t get over the height thing, which is why I went after the volleyball player, well that and the spandex but that’s another post. The second type of guy, where our man Sheldon falls in, the gumpy basketball player. You see, the ballers on the team don’t waste their time with other girls basketball players; they go straight to the basketball groupies. This is why we don’t see a Kevin Durant type guy dating Candace and that’s why Kobe found his way to Eagle, Colorado (too soon? Nah). The gumpy guys can’t hang so they go with what they know, tall girls. This happened in my high school with a guy who we called Bunda. He was a tall basketball player who could bang the tramp and dated the other star basketball player who was good looking. Sheldon Williams is doing the same thing, however, I bet Coach K had to coach him into it cause, well he’s Sheldon Freaking Williams. Picture that arrangement:
Coach K: Sheldon this Candace.
Sheldon: Uhhhhhhh, can I grab her like rebound?
Coach K: No Sheldon, you may not or she will bitch slap you worse than Emeka Okafur did in the Final Four.
Sheldon: (starts crying)
Sorry about that, I got carried away. Now what can we conclude. Hot girls ballers are doomed when it comes to a good looking mate. So guys don’t feel bad or distressed about Sheldon Williams tappin’ a thorough bread dime peace, its just one of the quirks of planet earth.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
So last night we’re doing what any loyal fan of all things sports would do, watching the NCAA Women’s Championship game. The Lady Vols of Tennessee were in a fierce battle with the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, all together two giants going toe to toe. However, the most interesting story line of the game was phenom Candace Parker. In case you need a refresher, Parker is the girl who won the dunk contest just because she was a girl who could dunk. On a side note, I would hate to be one of the dudes who lost that contest because for the rest of their lives any insult they throw will be immediately volleyed with the inevitable “You lost to a girl in a dunk contest.” This is the equivalent of Ham Porter telling that prick with the letter jacket that he plays ball like a girl in the movie Sandlot. Insults like these put a man over the edge and one day we will hear about one of the dunk contest losers pulling a Pac Man. Back to Candace, she’s a good looking female specimen, in other words, she’s fine. Fine to the point that my pal Bcatt is wondering if it’s weird he’s attracted to a 6’4 black girl when he’s only 6’1. So we’re discussing how much we all like Candace when all of a sudden former Duke Center Sheldon Williams appears on the screen, with the top button buttoned on his collard shirt of course. At this point, I’m slightly confused, why is that douche bag (note: I’m a Duke sympathizer and still think this cat is a douche bag) at this game and why are they talking about Candace Parker’s game while showing his picture. Then all of sudden reality sets in and the world is flipped on its freaking end. The Anna Kournikova of women’s basketball is dating Candace Parker. SHELDON “I LOOK LIKE A BEAR WITH DOWN SYNDROM” WILLIAMS IS RAILING CANDANCE PARKER!!!! (Thank you Knockdown for that analogy).I am now distraught. I just don’t get it, and then I begin to break it down. I ask myself a simple question, who dates women’s basketball players. I think back to my high school days and the reality sets in, there are only two types of guys who get with basketball players, well three if you throw the Amechi types in, but for the purposes of this blog we’re going to talk about two types. The first type of guy is the short fellow who goes after the hot ball player because he knows no one else will date her because of height. Basically, he recognizes his short falls and overachieves bec
ause he gets over the height difference. I can think of one or two circumstances on this but will not mention them here for fear of repercussion, but trust me, this happens and good for those guys cause I couldn’t get over the height thing, which is why I went after the volleyball player, well that and the spandex but that’s another post. The second type of guy, where our man Sheldon falls in, the gumpy basketball player. You see, the ballers on the team don’t waste their time with other girls basketball players; they go straight to the basketball groupies. This is why we don’t see a Kevin Durant type guy dating Candace and that’s why Kobe found his way to Eagle, Colorado (too soon? Nah). The gumpy guys can’t hang so they go with what they know, tall girls. This happened in my high school with a guy who we called Bunda. He was a tall basketball player who could bang the tramp and dated the other star basketball player who was good looking. Sheldon Williams is doing the same thing, however, I bet Coach K had to coach him into it cause, well he’s Sheldon Freaking Williams. Picture that arrangement:Coach K: Sheldon this Candace.
Sheldon: Uhhhhhhh, can I grab her like rebound?
Coach K: No Sheldon, you may not or she will bitch slap you worse than Emeka Okafur did in the Final Four.
Sheldon: (starts crying)
Sorry about that, I got carried away. Now what can we conclude. Hot girls ballers are doomed when it comes to a good looking mate. So guys don’t feel bad or distressed about Sheldon Williams tappin’ a thorough bread dime peace, its just one of the quirks of planet earth.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
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