I've had enough

I despise Michigan State and I’m not even a Michigan fan. I just wanted to make this known and write this so that I don’t call 1340 and ream one of the many personalities over there that gnaw on Sparty’s dick 24-7. Anyways, I’m sitting peacefully in my office, working on some oil and gas jazz (if you want specifics I was putting together a prospect inventory on a project in Idaho), listening to some sports radio when some guy named Paul (apparently a college basketball expert or something) comes on to talk about the Michigan-Michigan State game that went down last night. They’re going over the game when all of a sudden this guy says, Michigan State is in the tourney right now and Michigan was playing for their lives and Drew Nietzel was sick yah dee yah dee yah. Needless to say, I was in a rage similar to Anthony from Maui Fever (Wed. 10:30PM ET…watch it).

Let’s lay this logic out. Paul and the on the bench crew is telling me that Michigan State is in because of a top 20 RPI and wins over Wisconsin, Texas, and BYU. Let’s run through these wins. Texas, at the bres by the way was a last second game before Durant decided to rule the kingdom we know as college basketball. Texas is also at large team. Last I checked, they split games with Oklahoma State and had not beaten Texas A&M or Kansas, the big dogs of the Big 12 (this could change tonight when A&M and Texas match up). Another note about the State-Texas game, they won on a last second shot. BYU, unranked mid major, nuff said. Wisconsin, good win on paper, they were ranked no 1 and no 2 in the polls and were leading the Big Ten Conference. However, we all forget this game was at the Breslin Center and Drew Neitzel was hitting impossible shots. I will give State the credit for this win but, the away team in this rivalry has not won in the last three years, and State was only a 1 pt. underdog in this game according to the gurus in Vegas. Those factors make this win less quality than people give them credit for. That’s the case for Michigan State in the tournament. Is every Western Michigan Radio announcer saying they are a lock because they all have a man crush on a bald headed white kid!

Here is the case against it. After Saturday, State is most likely going to be 8-8 in a conference that has only two quality teams. Against those quality teams, Sparty is going to be 1-3. The conference road record is going to be 1-8 (1-9 overall on the road) with the only road win coming against Penn State. They can’t win basketball games away from the friendly confines of the Breslin Center and the Izzone (speaking of which I’ve heard that in order to get tickets in the Izzone you need to consent to hanging a tastefully nude fresca of Tom Izzo, Paul Davis, and Mateen Cleeves running out of 7-11 with Steel Reserves in both rands above your bed; just something I heard). This is a big dance team? Everyone talks about Nietzel and how he was sick and that’s why they lost to Michigan. No they lost to Michigan because as soon as this team hops on a bus, train, or plane they lose. This team scored 38 points in game against Purdue in West Lafayette. 38 FREAKING POINTS! Neitzel must have had Ebola in order for this to happen! I just don’t get it. Finally, this team is going to be the 4th, 5th, 6th,7th, or 8th in the conference, depending on how Iowa, Illinois, Purdue, and Indiana (all bubble teams with better records than State) end their season.

Just doesn’t make sense to me. The record isn’t awesome and they don’t win road games. State is riding a wave of reputation and computer numbers. Even Joe Linardi, the Bracketology Guru of ESPN, says this team still has work to do. If this team gets bounced the first week in Chicago say hello to the NIT, Drew. And honestly, nothing will make me happier than to see the Izzone invade Madison Square Garden to play in the consolation bracket. Screw Sparty!
-Juan Pablo-

Since you turned left

This article is for all the NASCAR haters out there….you will eat your words one day, and today is that day.

For my amigos and me the past 6 months can be coined year of the fantasy, and by fantasy I don’t mean Brad’s fantasy of every female specimen this side of the mason dixion line wearing juicy pants, I mean fantasy sports. I will even goes as far to say that we are all fantasy athletes. In the past six months we have all gotten into fantasy football, basketball, college basketball, golf, and the newly formed nascar league. We don’t play for money, only pride, and so we can make fun of Bcatt because his teams always suck. Its quite fun actually, I have become more in tune with sports I normally pay little attention too. Point in case:NASCAR.

I will be the first to admit that for the first twenty three years and 6 months of my life, I have been a NASCAR hater. Watching cars go around a track for 5 hours was the equivalent of taking a railroad spike in the eye. Nascar was for wife beating, trailer living, country living, family used to own a plantation kinds of people. Not for me, a jam band listening, backpacking, sailing, northerner whose closest car racing experience came from a two night stay at Perry, Georgia's own sugar mamma, Dana Odom; who was good on the dirt track but still getting used to asphalt. However, I was wrong. NASCAR transcends all stereotypes.

Two weeks ago was the Daytona 500, the beginning of the Peaches Fantasy NASCAR League as well as the start of my questioning why NASCAR was so bad. The Daytona 500 was arguably the best race in recent memory (I did not get to watch the race but received phone updates about the race from a few, more than excited fans, at the 145; with one claiming that the Daytona 500 of 2007 ranks in the top 5 sports events of his life). The race featured overtime, a massive crash like ones you and your friends attempt to start at the local go kart track, scandal, and a fantastic race to the finish line where the winner won by 0.020 sec margin of victory. The race was so intense that Brad allegedly was in an upright position for the last twenty laps. So I ask myself, how could have missed twenty three years of nascar action?

Well, I don’t know how I missed it but I can tell you how began to notice. Fantasy NASCAR has done me in. I now devote time out of my life to reading race previews, driver updates, and gossip from around the garage so Peaches Motorsports can dominate the league. The same goes for others in our league who have tapped the internet, personal contacts, and work related sources so they can be crowned fantasy nascar guru of 2007. In a matter of two weeks, twenty three years of hating on NASCAR was tossed out the window in less time than a Britney Spears rehab stint.

Now, one can argue that I am not a NASCAR fan, only a fan of competion. And up until today, I couldn’t argue with you, until now. The turning point you ask, Kelly Clarkson. That’s right Kelly Clarkson, the first American Idol winner and Grammy winner, is a NASCAR fan. This bit of information put me over the top. If Kelly is a fan, then I am a fan. Kelly even made the claim that watching NASCAR is more exciting than winning a Grammy. Kelly, you speak truth, and as a result I will follow you and state that yes, Juan Pablo is no longer a NASCAR hater but a fan. That from now on, I will treat the day after race day the same way I treat the day after football, reading reviews and absorbing stats from the previous days action. I will make the race a topic of conversation with my father. (Last year my dad started watching races and I gave him hell for it, going as far to say that he supported a confederate revival because he liked NASCAR. He responded to my harassment by saying, “It’s the ultimate napping sport, you see the start, you fall asleep, you wake up and see the best part.” Turns out my dad was a genious) There you go amigos, I enjoy NASCAR and trust me there is plenty of room on this bandwagon. Kelly and I will be saving a seat for you. Keep it fresh y’all.
-Juan Pablo-

Lets Get Ready to Rumble

Whatever happened to……

So I decided I need some type of regularity in our posts here at eyeofthedog, something for the “hoi polloi” (I want to credit google word of the day for adding to my vocab...if you dont have it get and it will make you smarter..well maybe not but you drop the word lapidary on someone and see the wtf face) to look forward to weekly. After much deliberation I decided that every week we post a “Whatever Happened To….” (Insert person, celebrity, fad, or object here) blog. If you have any curiousities about a whatever happened to-- please post send them to eyeofthdog@gmail.com and we here at eyeofthdog will do our best to track it down for you. Onto this week’s edition.

Whatever Happened To Jock Jams?

This past weekend I took a trip to the Lou with my buddies Bcatt and Knock Down (the origin of the nickname Knock Down is a whole other post). On the drive home I recommended we put together a play list for my wedding this summer, in case you didn’t know Juan Pablo is teaming up with one crew chief for all future racing seasons to come; I’m stoked. We started thinking about songs, when from the back seat Knock Down hollers, “Jump Around” by House of Pain. Not only was this a great pick but Knock Down’s suggestion got me thinking about Jock Jams.

For those of who you missed middle school or were sucked into a pop culture-less bubble like so many in Western Michigan, Jock Jams was a series of cds released in the mid nineties featuring classic songs usually heard at sporting events. Volume 1 was realeased in 1995 and featured such classics such as “Whoomp! There it is” (Tag Team), Tootsee Roll (69 Boys), The Power (Snap), Unbelievable (EMF) and of course the ageless wonder Michael Buffer aka the guy whose key to fame is the slogan “Lets get ready to rumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllle!”. (sidebar: If anyone has lived the American Dream its Buffer, fame and fortune with little amount of work. I mean how many of us wish our job description was to utter one phrase in an enthusiastic manner before WWF matches. I know I do).*Sidebar to the sidebar. Michael Buffer’s website states: Since 1999, the "LGRTR®" brand has surpassed $400,000,000 in retail sales of its branded licensed products and ventures for its licensees internationally with many other products and ventures being developed for future release. And defines “Lets get ready to rumble!” (lgrtr) as: “LGRTR!”® is known as the “clarion call to the pure integrity of the competitive spirit”, promoting an “adrenalin boosting, positive will to win attitude!” in the hearts and minds of fans of all ages.*
Back to Jock Jams. Volumes 2 through 5 were released throughout the mid nineties followed up by Jock Jams: The All Star Jock Jams in 2001. As far as I can tell, besides a poor revival attempt in 2003 by ESPN with the release of Stadium Anthems: Music for the Fans in 2003, Jock Jams went to the new millennium graveyard to sit alongside other 1990s classics such as trapper keepers, snap bracelets, Baywatch and the Pontiac Transport (RIP Red Rocket).

The death of Jock Jams is quite sad to the children of the nineties. I strongly believe that without Jock Jams my generation would have missed out on such classics such as No Diggity (Blackstreet), Let Me Clear My Throat (D.J. Cool), the R.O.W.D.I.E cheer, Cotton Eye Joe (Rednex), and Knock Down’s personal fav, House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” A world with no Jump Around gives me chills and not just because I am a Wisconsin Badger fan. Jock Jams was more than a bunch of arena classics, it was a portal into the world of hip-hop for middle school white kids. Jock Jams was safe, at least safer than Dr. Dre, and our parents would let us buy it, giving us a taste of hip hop. (note: the last argument may be a stretch and bringing hip hop to my generation could actually be credited to the lyrical masterpiece Regulators by Warren G but for arguments sake I’m in the Jock Jams corner)

Jock Jams death also afflicted pain on the artists as well. Look what happened when Jock Jams went away. Erick Shrody (lead singer of House of Pain) turned into Everlast and created extremely depressing-almost-grunge-except-12-years-to-late-when-it-wasn’t-cool-anymore music. Clearly fueled by the fact that Jock Jams was no more, and had no reason to be the cream of the crop and to rise to the top. And now he’s probably shooting pigs cuz a pig is a cop because in the past Jock Jams gave him a reason not to. And he’s no longer a terminator like Arnold Schwarzenaager but has digressed and become boring much like Arnold did when he entered politics. We need him to pack it up and pack it in again. We need him to make us jump and touch the ceiling.

So whats the solution? How do we save artists and music fans of the Jock Jams generation as well as save the childeren of today from turning into musicians that front bands like Everlast and Creed. Well, come up with Jock Jams 7 of course. I have two or three friends who would hop on this in a second, most notably being Knock Down, and throw together a new and improved Jock Jams for all fans to enjoy. I mean its been 4 years since the last installment (6 years if you count all stars as a Jock Jams Greatest Hits album). Think of all the amazing stuff that has come up between now and then. In that time we have blessed with bands such as The Darkness, the Black Eyed Peas including a Fergie solo career, and the rise of Krunk Music. I also would propose to put a few tracks on Jock Jams 7 by athletes. Imagine listening to a disc that featured Lil John’s Throw it Up followed up by a Ron Artest rhyme which would stream into C-Webb flow and finally close out with the Diesel yelling ALLLLA KAAAZAAAAAAM!. It would be gold as my buddy Dicky likes to say, pure gold.

But to get back to the original question Jock Jams is dead, for now, and we are all worse off for it. Until then I suggest you go to amazon and purchase a box set of Jock Jams.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo and the Rocketfella-

Bi-Weekly Maui Fever Update

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of hatred aimed towards Maui Fever. They say that the Fever is just like Laguna beach. The stories are scripted, the people are actors. If you watch it, they say, you like dudes. To all the Fever-hating Tim Hardaway’s of the world I say this: The Fever is everything Laguna is too scared to be. The Fever is real, raw, juicy, and loaded with a nasty surprise. Does that sound gay to you?

I didn’t think so.

First you all need to understand something.

Laguna beach is a television show. Maui Fever is an attitude.

Let me Rob

Bell

This For

you

MOVEMENT ONE SURF Trying to explain how awesome it is to anyone who hasn’t watched the show is like trying to explain why Ghena on a horse is so funny. You either get it or you don’t. We get it, and it has become a tradition at the 145 and beyond. Wednesdays from 10:30-11 I get my dose of drama and excitement for the week. The storyline is hard hitting and full of suprises, and the 8 min commercial breaks give us all time to reflect on what just happened, where we think the story is going, and which chick is hotter. (side note) what is the deal with Anna? Sometimes I think she’s really hot and then she’ll turn to the side or make a weird face, and then I don’t want anything to do with her. Like the “two face” from Seinfeld or pictures of girls you get back from spring break. I can only think of one other woman I feel the same about: Meredith from Grey’s. She looks good….good…gooood, then ,out of nowhere, Oldface! By the expression on her face alone she managed to age 35 years. You all know what I’m talking about.

The show comes back from commercial, and you are so happy to see it back you feel like cheebs finding a Mt. St. Helens documentary. And the hits just keep coming.

“Dude, look he’s got scissors!”

“Bryce get out the window!”

What are they doing? Why would anyone act this way? As you keep watching the show it all starts to come together. You realize that their story is really our story. Their lives are our lives. Maui Fever is a microcosm of a larger idea.

Get brain, go surfing.

What could be gay about that?

Hey A.I.--you're no longer The Answer, skimmdaddy is

During a recent class period at school I was highly entertained by the person in front of me as they took part in YAhoo! Answers. I had no idea what Yahoo! Answers was, and so I darted off to the computer lab to find out for myself.
Here's what I found:
-- You can either ask a question or answer questions.
-- There are various categories (i.e. sports, music, religion) where your question can be posted or where you can seek to answer questions.
-- Your questions can be about absolutely anything.
-- You get points for answering questions and having people pick your's as the best answer. And you get negative points for asking questions. The accumulation of points can bring you to different "levels."
-- The points mean nothing. The levels mean nothing as well. The only thing the points do is make it so you not only ask but answer as well because if you run out of points you cannot ask.


So I decided to test out this "Yahoo! Answers," and see how it could be a benefit to me, and you, the reader.

Here are my questions and answers I received--
1. How awesome are the "Insane Clown Posse?"
--- "Kristonia" said, "Not at all."

---"1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" responded, "I like them, great concert. I'm 50."
Wow. Your 50. Your screename is "1970 Mopar Muscle GAl." You like ICP. And you've seen them in concert. Wow.

Wow.

Is this Scholten's mom?

Scholten secretely likes ICP and is posing as a 50 year old woman?

---"Alejandro r," says "ICP sucks." and his source(you can include a source from which you got your answer to answer the question) was, "ICP sucks." Clever Alejandro, clever.

Conflicting answers here make me question YAhoo! answers, but "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal," seems like somebody I can trust so I will award her with the best answer.



2.Can you buy "Reading Rainbow," on DVD?

---"Kenny W," came through for me here, and told me "Yes," and even gave me the source--- www.amazon.com. --- Only a man with an avatar that has purple glasses would be able to answer this for me. Obviously a Lavar Burton fan.


3. Who will win the Auto Club 500?
--- The only answer I received for this one was also from "Kenny W," who said that it would be Kevin Harvick. This is a lame answer. The only reason he answered this is because Kevin Harvick just won the Daytona 500. I should have known, after seeing that "Kenny W's" avatar was wearing purple glasses, that he wouldn't be able to help me out here. No NASCAR fans would ever wear purple glasses. I wish "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" would have helped me out. Yahoo! answers has failed me. I expected more repsonses. Maybe most NASCAR fans don't know how to use computers.

4. Does Nick Lachey shave his chest?
---To this I received two responses: "Yes." and "My guess is he has it waxed." Here, it seems that we have contradicting answers. Shaven? or Waxed? What if I really need to know this? What if my life depended on it? Yahoo! Answers has failed me again it seems.


5. What is a "Hulkamaniac"?(I learned after posting this question that you're limited to 5 questions a day.)
---Most answered: A fan of Hulk Hogan. But "skimdaddy" really went to town, and so I awarded him the best answer.
He said: Being a Hulkamaniac is more than being a fan of Hulk Hogan. A true Hulkamaniac must say his prayers, take his vitamins and do what the Hulkster tells him. Also, as his entry song said, "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, they gotta feel bad it don't help to hide. If you hurt their friends, then you hurt their pride. They gotta feel bad they can't let it hide. They are the Real Americans, fight for the rights of every man. "Thanks for the stroll down memory lane .


Conclusion: Yahoo! Answers can be fun and informative if you have intelligent people like skimdaddy answering questions. But it can also leave you hanging when you ask important questions about Nick Lachey's chest hair. Overall -- a good time waster.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

A Fallen Icon

Over the weekend and into this week I have been perusing my usual news sources and one story keeps popping up more than most. Something so big that it has eclipsed the War in Iraq, a Mt. Hood mountain rescue, and Anna Nicole Smith...that's correct mi amigos....Britney Spears shaving her head. Rest assured, I have pondered this more than all of you and have now finally settled on an answer to the question...Why has Britney shaved her head? Ladies and gentlemen I give you my thesis.......

Britney Spears shaved her head in pursuit of the unfathomable cycle of hotness, a completion of four separate levels of attractiveness no one has yet to achieve in the modern era.

That's right kids Britney is attempting to bowl the hotness equivalent of a 300 game. To show you what I'm talking about I've done you the honor of enlightening you on the Juan Pablo Cycle of Hotness.

The Single -Girl Next Door Hot: Britney achieved innocent hotness prior to the JT fling during the "Oops I Did it Again" phase of her career, largely due to the school girl outfit rocked in the video. (side bar, you can trace Britney's innocence hotness all the way back to the mickey mouse club but sorry, unless your name is Brad and you call yourself HR you don't mention this in public, for all intensive purposes junior high girls are off limits for eyeofthedog)

The Double - You Wanna See Me Topless Hot: If any of you dudes out there at no time in your life found Britney spears bangin', you missed this phase and i advise you to do one of two things, 1)watch the slave video and 2)stay away from Tim Hardaway. Britney achieved I am bangin, you all wanna see me topless, and I know it so I'm going to screw (eg. making out with Madonna at the VMAs) with you hot during the toxic, slave, pre Kfed point of her career. Not gonna lie she had a good run going.

The Triple - Ron Mexico Hot: Yes that's right Ron Mexico hot, you know the girl whose hot but you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole out of straight fear of how your next few doctors appointments would shape up. (sidebar: we all have one friend in our crew that goes for this girl and I want to take this time to thank all the Ron Mexicos out there; without you guys taking one for the team the rest of us would have no stories to tell; we live vicariously through you so keep up the, eehhhh, "good" work). There are a few analogs here: Tara Ried, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan; two of whom our girl Britney rolled with while seeking the elusive triple. The Ron Mexico stage is a bit of a roller coaster, usually signified by random hookups, substance abuse, and in rare cases, a child. If Meatloaf is correct in saying "two out of three ain't bad" then put Britney at the head of the class cause she's battin' 1000. K-fed, alcohol, and not one but two kids ladies and gents. Add pole dancing with Paris, rolling with a cracked out Lohan, and her own version of the vagina monologues and Britney is in a whole other league. Put it this way, if Senor Mexico saw Britney the odds on No. 7 passing the buck to his younger brother Marcus "i got the beer, you're 17, let's party" Vick are somewhere around 3:1.

The Hom-a-run - I Could Shave My Head and Still be Hot, Hot: Tough group to crack...I mean only a few have reached or even made a valiant effort to join the ranks of women who have shaved their heads and are hotter for it. I give credit to Natalie Portman for bringing this to light (if you think I'm crazy go watch V for Vendeta...she got hotter with a shaved head...no lie!). Others to make valiant efforts include Sinead O'Connor and Demi Moore. Well, to say the least Britney's attempt had about as much success as Curt Schilling on Celebrity Jeopardy (to his credit he ran the sports category). The only thing I can think of is that Britney was trying to shed the "guys without nalgenes with secret compartments won't hang with me" reputation of the her Ron Mexico era. She was simply trying to redeem her sex symbol status. Well either that or Britney's has gone off the deep end. Jury's still out.

Anyways Britney, I will always cherish Toxic and gleefully await your Flavor of Love cameo.....keep it fresh ya'll
-Juan Pablo-

Ode to Oliver Miller

Not to long ago I was riding shotgun in THE PUNISHER on my way home from the Silver Derby, when I was informed that Lavar Arrington and Serena Williams had a relationship. This blew me away because they are both thicker than Oliver Miller after he eats the quadruple stacker from Burger King.
I dwelled on this fact for a few weeks, thinking about what their kids would look like, who was actually thicker, who would win in arm wrestling and if they needed to get a larger than average toilet. I was just about done with my Lavena fetish when the dunk contest came on. I have been a huge fan of NBA all-star weekend since the days of "baby Jordan," Harold Miner and a blind-folded Cedric Ceballos. This year was no different. I was especially excited to see Dwight Howard dunk. Especially since I heard he potitioned the league to bring in an 11ft basket to dunk on. Then it happened-as I watched Dwight Howard put his sticker on the top of the backboard I examined his thickness and realized that he had to be the super-human 3 year old love child of Lavena. There was no other way that a man could be so thick and have so much athletic ability. It is just rediculous. To affirm this truth, all I had to do was look to the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. There is an interview with Dwight Howard where he says that if he went to college he would major in computer science and theatre. He said computer science "because I like cell phones.".........3 year old, dude.
Forget steroids or HGH, a super-human race is being formed by abnormal athletes mating with each other---run while you still can--before Sam Cassel (an obvious alien) and Cheryl Miller mate.
OUT

I give you.....Juan Pablo

hola pacos,
i dont even know what that means....this is juan pablo, a co-creator, along with my beloved rocketfella, and original blogger on our new found eyeofthedog....this blog is a blog of randomness, insight, love, spirituality and nascar... to kick off the 2007 blogging season (there will be an mvb (most valuable blogger) by the way so this is a season) i thought i should explain my namesake. You see Juan Pablo is a man who is respected in many circles. He speacializes in left turns, fast cars, and long walks on the beach. A man who will crack a pbr asap and still consider himself classy. Juan Pablo is a mans man, a chaps chap and as Lonesome Geogre Thorogood says, "He'll make a rich woman beg." But really at the heart it all I only know is that Juan Pablo is a nascar driver with a BAMF name which is why I will be giving you my take on eyeofthedog as the one, the only, Juan Pablo. Keep it fresh y'all.
-Juan Pablo-

From the Creators

Welcome to the "Eye of the Dog," in the year of the Pig. This blog will be about anything and everything and will have various contributors. Most of us hail from WEstern Michigan.
The wheels are the things on the car that make contact with the road. The car is the thing on the road that takes you home to your abode.
OUT