I need to start off by saying…why hate?
Yes why hate on a man who has beaten drugs, saved lives, cared for lives, nurtured lives, brought joy. I bet you’re thinking to yourself anyone who would hate on a person of this nature must think that the ultimate cocktail party guest list would include the likes of Hitler, Osama, and the fashion designer, Mugatu. Well, I can’t answer the second question, however, my friend Lisa, the law student with a heart of steel, does hate Charlie from LOST (she has praised his death), and he fits the bill of a decent, if not good, human being and perhaps the most real person on LOST.
I have yet to speak to Lisa in person but she has been quoted as saying she celebrates the death of Charlie in Season Three and is glad she will not have to endure any more of his “lame back-story” and pretend parenting of a child that isn’t even his (Claire’s baby Aaron, affectionately called Turnip Head by Charlie). Well, let me just say I strongly support any character whose back-story is based upon the band Oasis as well as anyone who is selfless enough to help a new mother nurture her child while trying to survive on a desert island. I will admit here that at times Charlie became jealous, such as his conflict with Locke over Claire or the time he knocked out Sun when aiding Sawyer in the plot to get the guns. However, lets also not forget when Charlie saved Jack during the cave in, or the time he got Claire peanut butter so she could feel at home, or the time of his death, perhaps the ultimate sacrifice, when Charlie goes into The Pearl knowing he is going to die, in order for others to survive (and if you didn’t think about making a Greatest Hits of your life after this episode you are lying to yourself….Zigs….great episode featuring Charlie’s back-story); not to mention that he saved Desmond’s life in that whole event. And how are to hate on a man with the strength to kick a heroin addiction as Charlie did when he was on the island. Finally, lets not forget that without Charlie’s actions, the entire group of castaways would probably not survived on this island. We forget that Charlie has played a critical role in the survival of the those lost on the island. You see, in season one Charlie smoked a man by the name of Ethan (a sweet scene by the way), who just happened to be the surgeon of those known as the Others. Well, Ethan’s death casued the Others to have a need for one of the survivors, Jack (whom Charlie saved by the way), a spinal surgeon. If Ethan, a surgeon as well, was available Jack would never had gone to the others to save Ben’s life and would never have started the chain of events which led to the Other’s becoming interested in the survival of those on Oceanic Flight 815.
So let’s not hate on Charlie. He’s had his lows, I admit that, but he’s also had some highs and had been an integral part to the survival of those on Oceanic Flight 815. Without him the show would not have been the same, so I say don’t look back in anger and if you want to hate on someone, hate on the most hateable character television has ever witnessed, Michael.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
This one is for Chad...and Brad
Daddy tipped me off to this little piece of gold which I thought was BLOOOOGworthy.
Enjoy!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=n8bzZEtOcb8
My personal favorite verse...
"Chad Henne is a bitch...a mother fucking bitch...as welcome as a case of rectal itch!
His gender he should switch...the buck defense it makes him twitch, cause Chad Henne is a mother fucking bitch!"
The last one is just for good measure...it hilarious!
Enjoy!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=n8bzZEtOcb8
My personal favorite verse...
"Chad Henne is a bitch...a mother fucking bitch...as welcome as a case of rectal itch!
His gender he should switch...the buck defense it makes him twitch, cause Chad Henne is a mother fucking bitch!"
The last one is just for good measure...it hilarious!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Hip Hop Anonymous
Hola amigos…..I have a new found love…hip hop. That’s right, in the last few days I have undergone a musical transfiguration. As of late, whenever someone steps into the 4 walls with a door that I call my office or the Sexterra, the sweet jams of Mos Def, Kayne West, or Talib Kweli (currently my favorite hip hop artist) can be heard from the speakers.
In reality, I should have gotten into hip hop years ago. ). Since my recent musical overhaul I have found remarkable parallels between jam bands and hip hop leading me to believe that I would have loved hip hop in high school. (note: I currently have accepted hip hop, but have yet to accept rap music. This is an important distinction to make since I view hip hop as smooth, socially conscious beats and rap music as loud, obnoxious jams written for pure entertainment value i.e. Souljah Boy or the Hot Boyz)
Take a look at jam bands. The draw to the jam variety of music (bands like String Cheese, Widespread Panic, The Grateful Dead, etc.) are awesome live perfomances, good instrumentals, insane lyrics (listen to Phish sometime if you want to experience this draw), music with a greater purpose, the openness to collaboration and, in hindsight, good music to listen too while “under the influence”. As I delve into hip hop, I see the same attributes surfacing. For example the good instrumentals of jam bands were perfect for stimulating thoughts on long car drives. A good beat in a hip hop song does the same thing for me. In both cases, one can essentially turn off the lyrics and let the jam flow through the mind. Too trippy you say, well take a good listen to the lyrics of a hip song for you lyrical junkies, the number of artists featured on someone’s album for those who appreciate a good collaboration, or the socially conscious themes that crop up in the music of hip hop atrists which appeal very nicely to the those of you who thrive in the fight for social justice and empowerment of the impoverished.
Bottom line is that I have finally found a musical genre which compliments my love of jam music, opening new doors, breathing life into what was once a stagnant musical journey that could have led to myself wearing white shades with Cheebs across the lenses cranking the Souljah Boy.
Peace and keep it fresh
Juan Pablo
In reality, I should have gotten into hip hop years ago. ). Since my recent musical overhaul I have found remarkable parallels between jam bands and hip hop leading me to believe that I would have loved hip hop in high school. (note: I currently have accepted hip hop, but have yet to accept rap music. This is an important distinction to make since I view hip hop as smooth, socially conscious beats and rap music as loud, obnoxious jams written for pure entertainment value i.e. Souljah Boy or the Hot Boyz)
Take a look at jam bands. The draw to the jam variety of music (bands like String Cheese, Widespread Panic, The Grateful Dead, etc.) are awesome live perfomances, good instrumentals, insane lyrics (listen to Phish sometime if you want to experience this draw), music with a greater purpose, the openness to collaboration and, in hindsight, good music to listen too while “under the influence”. As I delve into hip hop, I see the same attributes surfacing. For example the good instrumentals of jam bands were perfect for stimulating thoughts on long car drives. A good beat in a hip hop song does the same thing for me. In both cases, one can essentially turn off the lyrics and let the jam flow through the mind. Too trippy you say, well take a good listen to the lyrics of a hip song for you lyrical junkies, the number of artists featured on someone’s album for those who appreciate a good collaboration, or the socially conscious themes that crop up in the music of hip hop atrists which appeal very nicely to the those of you who thrive in the fight for social justice and empowerment of the impoverished.
Bottom line is that I have finally found a musical genre which compliments my love of jam music, opening new doors, breathing life into what was once a stagnant musical journey that could have led to myself wearing white shades with Cheebs across the lenses cranking the Souljah Boy.
Peace and keep it fresh
Juan Pablo
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Why I hate HUGE
Disclaimer: I hate HUGE
I hate the Huge, aka Bill Simonson, on WBBL the Ball 1340 Am. I really do! Today on his show he goes off about how he wants to go national and that his syndicate head says he would put him up against Jim Rome. Then for the next hour all huge (I am no longer going to use caps in his name as a sign of literary disrespect) does is field calls from folks who say that Rome sucks and that the huge is amazing and would run the Jungle out of the business. One guy called and said that Rome is a self absorbed bias individual who repeats himself over and over and over again, excuse me but that is the entire huge show everyday except the days when the dude from ann arbor is on because huge is gone. Another guy called and said huge is to Kirk Herbstreet as Rome is to Corso. His logic, huge is on point level, headed and gives credit where credit is due, Rome is just obnoxious. My logic, Corso rocks and Herbstreet is from Ohio State. If that listener watches Game Day he would have seen a sign in the crowd this year referencing the growing legend that is Chad in Portland, gaining fame from the icon of sports radio Jim Rome. I don’t see many testosterone Tuesday signs up at Game Day sights. I am sorry folks but its not close. Lets compare the two for a minute
Top Five things about the Jungle
The Smack-Off
The Clones
Major Sports Icons as Guests
Pop Culture Icons as Guest Hosts
One day a month devoted to either horse racing, homeschooled kids, and/or cock fighting
Alvin’s Clips (Adult Alarm, The Donald v Rosie, etc.)
Top Five things about the Huge Show
Bill claiming to love ND, Mich, and Mich St all at one time
Callers who cant read
The biggest guest spot of the year, Lloyd Carr interview.
One day a month devoted to race in the NFL, a pitch to go national, bitching at Moller
Those damn songs to promote the show
Face it Huge you’re a jackass who can’t hold a candle to Jim Rome. No one from your show has gone on to host his or her own program. No pro athlete is running to the radio at 3 pm to hear you and then calling to give their take. No one is coming on your show for karmic purposes. No one is taking time out of their schedule upon being asked to guest host your show. I hope you go national and I hope you get run. Then you’ll have to end up finding something else to do, like the time you were an XFL commentator.
War Charles Woodson’s piano prowess
Good night now
Monday, October 15, 2007
N.W.A where have you gone
In the past six months I have started to realize how ridiculous rap music has become. Actually, Rap Music has been careening toward madness for the past five years. I think it began with Lil’ John and the Crunk explosion in 2003-2004 afterwhich the phrase yeahhh was an everyday saying and kids were consuming crunk juice in place of Gatorade, but I do not have the rap music expertise or time to construct a blog which could actually be a masters thesis in pop culture. Instead what I do have is a video. One which rivals Leather so Soft (the video which vaulted Lil’ Wayne into my top 5 greatest guitar gods of the world), Party Like a Rock Star, Rock On(Do Da Rockman) (if you haven’t watched or listened to this video it’s a must see; just be prepared to do the rockman right after you lean like a cholo), and the new hit Crank dat Souljah Boy (my personal favorite). Now we have one that eclipses it all, Kafani's new hit, Fast Like a Nascar You may think it doesn’t exist, as I did when I received a text message cuing me into this gold nugget of rap music obscurity, but click play and see for yourself. Its proof that even you can become a rap icon in today’s music seen; just include me in your posse.
Friday, August 31, 2007
My thoughts on the Teen Choice Awards
My thoughts on the Teen Choice Awards
It’s Sunday night and I am currently watching the chick who plays Hannah Montana scream “I am so exited…I love you guys….my album…Disney channel…blah blah blah” all while holding a giant surfboard. That’s correct I am watching the 2007 Teen Choice Awards.
Your first thought is probably, what the hell, but let me lay some ground for the “why the hell”…
I am living in a house with no cable.
The only other thing on is preseason football, extreme makeover home edition, and some crazy cable access ish.
I do this kind of stuff all the time so if you know me you’re not saying “what the hell”
Now that that is out the way let me enlighten on some interesting teen choice observations.
Observation 1- I hate High School Musical
Without a doubt the most popular person at these awards is Zach Affron, star of the made for TV movie High School Musical. For one, the dude is douche bag, does he not understand he has his fame from a made for television musical. I am sorry but this does not drive anybody into the upper echelon of my book. Secondly, he dropped the old “How you doin?” line on Jessica Alba when each one the hottie award. You know, the same line Joey from Friends used. Zach, this is arguably the hottest woman in the world, standing next to you and the only thing you can think to say is “How you doin?” Finally, Zach does not know it yet, but he has reached the zenith of his career. He’s not going to be popular to anyone but girls ages 10-15. That’s just how it’s going to be. The problem with Zach is he hasn’t come to this realization so he figures in ten years he’ll be the equivalent of Brad Pitt so he’s acting like it now. I hate this kid
Obs. 2 – The unintentional comedy at this thing is off the charts, hands down, better than a Justin Leonard high five at the Ryder Cup.
Here are some great unintentional comedic gems from what I’ve seen:
1. The Shop Boyz closed the show out with Party like a Rockstar. Nothing like a couple hundred teenage girls shouting the lyrics “My ice make ‘em go down quick like the Titanic.”
2. Ludacris and Chingy, who were announced as “Representing Hotlanta…” teamed with Greg Oden to present an award to a chick named Sophia Bush.
3. There have been at least three silent censor moments for inapproiate language and yet Superbad was nominated for Best Comedy. Ahh the irony of the Teen Choice awards.
4. Everyone performing looks pissed to be there (Zach Affron is an exception because he has reached mountaintop damnit).
5. Sum 41 presented an award.
6. Avril Lavigne sang her song got an award and her speech went roughly like this, “Thank you so much for this award, this, this (trying to read what award it is), this (still searching), this teen choice award for 2007 (GOT IT!)” You can tell Avril had this on her calendar for months.
Obs. 3- Hotties in the crowd
We all know that at major events the camera crews will zoom in on the most attractive people in the venue. Much of the time this is done by zooming in on the ladies. The teen choice awards are no different, except for the fact that all the girls are between the ages of 10 and 15. I wonder if any of these cameramen will end up “To Catch a Predator” at some point in time.
So there you have it, my thoughts on everything teen choice. Maybe next time you can pull up a chair next to me and watch. I’m thinking that Marky Mark Wahlberg needs to get nominated for something so that next year he can show up and kick Zach Affron’s ass. What am I talking about, Marky Mark wouldn’t come to theses awards and that my friends, is why Zach Affron is a douche bag.
It’s Sunday night and I am currently watching the chick who plays Hannah Montana scream “I am so exited…I love you guys….my album…Disney channel…blah blah blah” all while holding a giant surfboard. That’s correct I am watching the 2007 Teen Choice Awards.
Your first thought is probably, what the hell, but let me lay some ground for the “why the hell”…
I am living in a house with no cable.
The only other thing on is preseason football, extreme makeover home edition, and some crazy cable access ish.
I do this kind of stuff all the time so if you know me you’re not saying “what the hell”
Now that that is out the way let me enlighten on some interesting teen choice observations.
Observation 1- I hate High School Musical
Without a doubt the most popular person at these awards is Zach Affron, star of the made for TV movie High School Musical. For one, the dude is douche bag, does he not understand he has his fame from a made for television musical. I am sorry but this does not drive anybody into the upper echelon of my book. Secondly, he dropped the old “How you doin?” line on Jessica Alba when each one the hottie award. You know, the same line Joey from Friends used. Zach, this is arguably the hottest woman in the world, standing next to you and the only thing you can think to say is “How you doin?” Finally, Zach does not know it yet, but he has reached the zenith of his career. He’s not going to be popular to anyone but girls ages 10-15. That’s just how it’s going to be. The problem with Zach is he hasn’t come to this realization so he figures in ten years he’ll be the equivalent of Brad Pitt so he’s acting like it now. I hate this kid
Obs. 2 – The unintentional comedy at this thing is off the charts, hands down, better than a Justin Leonard high five at the Ryder Cup.
Here are some great unintentional comedic gems from what I’ve seen:
1. The Shop Boyz closed the show out with Party like a Rockstar. Nothing like a couple hundred teenage girls shouting the lyrics “My ice make ‘em go down quick like the Titanic.”
2. Ludacris and Chingy, who were announced as “Representing Hotlanta…” teamed with Greg Oden to present an award to a chick named Sophia Bush.
3. There have been at least three silent censor moments for inapproiate language and yet Superbad was nominated for Best Comedy. Ahh the irony of the Teen Choice awards.
4. Everyone performing looks pissed to be there (Zach Affron is an exception because he has reached mountaintop damnit).
5. Sum 41 presented an award.
6. Avril Lavigne sang her song got an award and her speech went roughly like this, “Thank you so much for this award, this, this (trying to read what award it is), this (still searching), this teen choice award for 2007 (GOT IT!)” You can tell Avril had this on her calendar for months.
Obs. 3- Hotties in the crowd
We all know that at major events the camera crews will zoom in on the most attractive people in the venue. Much of the time this is done by zooming in on the ladies. The teen choice awards are no different, except for the fact that all the girls are between the ages of 10 and 15. I wonder if any of these cameramen will end up “To Catch a Predator” at some point in time.
So there you have it, my thoughts on everything teen choice. Maybe next time you can pull up a chair next to me and watch. I’m thinking that Marky Mark Wahlberg needs to get nominated for something so that next year he can show up and kick Zach Affron’s ass. What am I talking about, Marky Mark wouldn’t come to theses awards and that my friends, is why Zach Affron is a douche bag.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Don't call it a comeback
Its been a while folks, but us here at eyeofthedog have decided to pull together a reunion tour. In the five months since eyeofthedog has been heard of, two of us got married, two moved into a place called browtown, and two of us are in the market for boyfreinds, and I'm not even gonna mention what has gone down since Haines joined up with seventh floor crew (lets just say mudflaps and a nine iron have taken on a whole new symbology).
So for the first installment of the new eyeofthedog I thought I would talk more about reunion tours. I aksed myself, if you could demand any musical group of all time would have to do a reunion tour who would you chose. Here is my top 5:
Note: People can be raised from the dead and fictional characters can tour as well.
5. The Hot Sundaes, Zach Attack, and the Four Aces
Picture this, the bands of Saved By the Bell all gathered together to do a Summer
of 2008 reunion tour playing only to stadium crowds. I mean, just try to fathom 35,000 people holding up lighters while Zack Attack performs "Did we ever have chance" or a video montage of all Saved by the Bell highlights playing in the background while the girls of The Hot Sundaes perform "I'm so Excited" wearing headbands, leg warmers and spandex workout clothes. Not to mention the drama that would most definitely ensue with the Kelly-Tori-Zack love triangle, Screech trying to box with Slater, and Jessie doing coke with the band manager Johnny Dakota. Now thats a reunion tour.
4. The Hot Boyz
This could actually happen by the way. The Hot Boyz are looking to make a reunion album in the near future. So far Lil Wayne, Juvenile, B.G. Turk, and Mannie Fresh have recorded a few other tracks. I must admit, I am not a huge fan of the Hot Boyz, but they deserve a spot on this list for three reasons. One, the song "Get your roll" (only for the line about swinging big dongs). Two, when asked if any music group reunite to Udonis Haslem said, "The Hot Boys." Three, I personally hold them responsible for the Minnetonka Sex Cruise of 05. How else do explain Daunte gettin his roll on all season. Sign the Hot Boys up for $35 a ticket and hit the clubs.
3. The Sex Pistols
Sid Vicious, the most bad ass man of all time hands down....need I say more.
2. The Grateful Dead
We grew up listening to them play and may have even seen the remaining members of The Dead
play in concert, but our generation missed Jerry. This would change and the original dead reunion tour would take not only the country but the whole world by storm. They'd have to play only huge outdoor venues that could hold 100,000 plus every night and the crowd would hold the likes of every famous dead head to ever live. Imagine jammin to Shake Down Street while ripping a bong with Slick Willy and Bill Walton. Also, in my head every show ends with the Dead playing a live version of the American Beauty album for an encore. Plus every reunion tour would feature guest appearances by the bands good friends. Think of the surprises every night. Anywhere from Janis Jopilin, the Beach Boys, CSNY, Panic, Cheese, David Grisman, Panic, and even Wycleff. It would be unbelieveable, I would probably quit my job and hit the road with my aunt (a former dead head).
1. Queen
I admit, I went back and forth on one and two. It was feel
good rock n roll verses feel good jam. It was insane lyrics verses insane guitar solos. It was ultimately, Freddie vs. Jerry, Mustache vs. Beard. It might just the point I'm at in my lifetime or that I couldn't imagine wanting to see anything more than Freddie Mercury in a red leather leotard singing the falsetto line of "Somebody to Love", but the original line up of Queen takes the cake for the best reunion of all time. The show would be hours, the crowd would kick ass, and during "We will rock you" and "We are the Champion" a Mighty Ducks video montage could be played in the background. I would dig it and so would you.
So as always peace be the journey and as always, keep it fresh y'all.
-Juan Pablo
So for the first installment of the new eyeofthedog I thought I would talk more about reunion tours. I aksed myself, if you could demand any musical group of all time would have to do a reunion tour who would you chose. Here is my top 5:
Note: People can be raised from the dead and fictional characters can tour as well.
5. The Hot Sundaes, Zach Attack, and the Four Aces
Picture this, the bands of Saved By the Bell all gathered together to do a Summer
of 2008 reunion tour playing only to stadium crowds. I mean, just try to fathom 35,000 people holding up lighters while Zack Attack performs "Did we ever have chance" or a video montage of all Saved by the Bell highlights playing in the background while the girls of The Hot Sundaes perform "I'm so Excited" wearing headbands, leg warmers and spandex workout clothes. Not to mention the drama that would most definitely ensue with the Kelly-Tori-Zack love triangle, Screech trying to box with Slater, and Jessie doing coke with the band manager Johnny Dakota. Now thats a reunion tour.4. The Hot Boyz
This could actually happen by the way. The Hot Boyz are looking to make a reunion album in the near future. So far Lil Wayne, Juvenile, B.G. Turk, and Mannie Fresh have recorded a few other tracks. I must admit, I am not a huge fan of the Hot Boyz, but they deserve a spot on this list for three reasons. One, the song "Get your roll" (only for the line about swinging big dongs). Two, when asked if any music group reunite to Udonis Haslem said, "The Hot Boys." Three, I personally hold them responsible for the Minnetonka Sex Cruise of 05. How else do explain Daunte gettin his roll on all season. Sign the Hot Boys up for $35 a ticket and hit the clubs.
3. The Sex Pistols
Sid Vicious, the most bad ass man of all time hands down....need I say more.
2. The Grateful Dead
We grew up listening to them play and may have even seen the remaining members of The Dead
play in concert, but our generation missed Jerry. This would change and the original dead reunion tour would take not only the country but the whole world by storm. They'd have to play only huge outdoor venues that could hold 100,000 plus every night and the crowd would hold the likes of every famous dead head to ever live. Imagine jammin to Shake Down Street while ripping a bong with Slick Willy and Bill Walton. Also, in my head every show ends with the Dead playing a live version of the American Beauty album for an encore. Plus every reunion tour would feature guest appearances by the bands good friends. Think of the surprises every night. Anywhere from Janis Jopilin, the Beach Boys, CSNY, Panic, Cheese, David Grisman, Panic, and even Wycleff. It would be unbelieveable, I would probably quit my job and hit the road with my aunt (a former dead head).1. Queen
I admit, I went back and forth on one and two. It was feel
good rock n roll verses feel good jam. It was insane lyrics verses insane guitar solos. It was ultimately, Freddie vs. Jerry, Mustache vs. Beard. It might just the point I'm at in my lifetime or that I couldn't imagine wanting to see anything more than Freddie Mercury in a red leather leotard singing the falsetto line of "Somebody to Love", but the original line up of Queen takes the cake for the best reunion of all time. The show would be hours, the crowd would kick ass, and during "We will rock you" and "We are the Champion" a Mighty Ducks video montage could be played in the background. I would dig it and so would you.So as always peace be the journey and as always, keep it fresh y'all.
-Juan Pablo
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Nothing Like A Contact Closer
Its been a while since Juan Pablo blogggggged.....why has been so long since I bloggggggged....I think I'll Bloggggggg....
This baseball season, and last, I have been caught in Tiger mania here in Michigan. Its crazy, people are going nuts, mainly because this is a team that lost like a thousand games four years ago, you didn’t think it possible but I’m pretty sure they did (I’m also pretty sure that Jermey Bonderman will be the only pitcher to win the Cy Young having started his career something like 5-85 but I digress from my thoughts). Well, I can’t go as far as saying that I am a full out Tiger fan, because of bandwagon backlash, but I will say that I do like the Tigers and will root for them in the A.L. It’s not that I love the Tigs. I don’t think Brandon Inge is awesome, I’m not crazy about gum time, I think Zumya is a moron for thinking he’s going to get Rivera type breaks from umps in his second year of MLB existence, and I do think the Roaster cheated. To the naked eye, it would seem I have no reason to enjoy Tigers’ baseball, but you’re very wrong my friend. One man makes me ½ Tiger fan, that man is none other than the living legend, Todd Barton Jones.
Todd Jones is absolutely phenomenal. Detroit’s closer is one of a kind in major league baseball. He’ll come in to close out a game going for fly outs instead of strikeouts or grounders. He pumps his fist when Vladdy Guerro Rocks his 89 mph fastball 415’ to dead center because Jonesy knows the fence is 420’ and he has a centerfield who grew up dodging cars in Chicago (in case you didn’t know dodging cars makes you fast). Jones will walk to the mound rockin’ a Fu Man mustache, a grey camo undershirt, and a hat which sticks four inches above the top of his head. Hell, his appearance alone is good enough for 20 saves a year. You see this guy on the mound and think damn, we lost, but you know what, he rarely does. Jones has recorded 77 saves in the last two years and he’s currently leading the A.L in saves with 8. That’s better than the likes of Oakland’s Huston Street, Bos
ton’s Papelboner, and the Yankee’s Rivera, perhaps the games greatest closer (sidenote: I believe the game’s greatest closer to be Eric Gange because of his ridiculous 70 something game close streak but feel free to disagree based on Rivera’s World Series performances. I tend to have some bias because I once saw Gange just completely F my beloved Brewers in like 5 pitches and some say I resemble the great closer). The point is, like or not, the man gets the job done and that’s what you want in a closer.
Not only does he get the job done, but the man speaks only truth. For example to further my case here are a select few quotes from my favorite closer in baseball right now (note: Gange is back on the DL):
“I can understand why people wouldn't want to watch. So I just tell the fans, either turn down the radio or turn off the TV and go get a sandwich; because in 15 or 20 pitches it'll be over, one way or the other."
"I only pitch one inning. So by the time they realize I don't have anything, the inning's over."
“Slamming the bullpen door seems kind of silly when the guy who pitched before me throws 10mph faster than I do.”
Jones on Leyland:"The man has been amazing all year. He's the only guy I know who can wave his hand and make your sandwich taste better."
Those are just a few of the priceless quotes to come out the mouth of the great Todd Jones. For length purposes on I didn’t even include the time Jonesy said Jamie Walker’s fat contract would get Walker all the generic beer, Wal-Mart fishing lures, and NASCAR tickets he could ever want, that was pure gold. By the way Walker responded by saying, “I don’t drink generic beer! I drink Budweiser man!”
So Todd Jones gives me a reason to cheer for the Tigers while I extend my stay in Michigan through yet another baseball season. I love the man, I love watching him, I love watching my friends watch him, and I would love to party with him at some point in my life. In fact I like Jones so much I might shave my jungle into a Fu Man and name my dong, The Jones; is that name taken Papa Bear?
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
This baseball season, and last, I have been caught in Tiger mania here in Michigan. Its crazy, people are going nuts, mainly because this is a team that lost like a thousand games four years ago, you didn’t think it possible but I’m pretty sure they did (I’m also pretty sure that Jermey Bonderman will be the only pitcher to win the Cy Young having started his career something like 5-85 but I digress from my thoughts). Well, I can’t go as far as saying that I am a full out Tiger fan, because of bandwagon backlash, but I will say that I do like the Tigers and will root for them in the A.L. It’s not that I love the Tigs. I don’t think Brandon Inge is awesome, I’m not crazy about gum time, I think Zumya is a moron for thinking he’s going to get Rivera type breaks from umps in his second year of MLB existence, and I do think the Roaster cheated. To the naked eye, it would seem I have no reason to enjoy Tigers’ baseball, but you’re very wrong my friend. One man makes me ½ Tiger fan, that man is none other than the living legend, Todd Barton Jones.
Todd Jones is absolutely phenomenal. Detroit’s closer is one of a kind in major league baseball. He’ll come in to close out a game going for fly outs instead of strikeouts or grounders. He pumps his fist when Vladdy Guerro Rocks his 89 mph fastball 415’ to dead center because Jonesy knows the fence is 420’ and he has a centerfield who grew up dodging cars in Chicago (in case you didn’t know dodging cars makes you fast). Jones will walk to the mound rockin’ a Fu Man mustache, a grey camo undershirt, and a hat which sticks four inches above the top of his head. Hell, his appearance alone is good enough for 20 saves a year. You see this guy on the mound and think damn, we lost, but you know what, he rarely does. Jones has recorded 77 saves in the last two years and he’s currently leading the A.L in saves with 8. That’s better than the likes of Oakland’s Huston Street, Bos
ton’s Papelboner, and the Yankee’s Rivera, perhaps the games greatest closer (sidenote: I believe the game’s greatest closer to be Eric Gange because of his ridiculous 70 something game close streak but feel free to disagree based on Rivera’s World Series performances. I tend to have some bias because I once saw Gange just completely F my beloved Brewers in like 5 pitches and some say I resemble the great closer). The point is, like or not, the man gets the job done and that’s what you want in a closer.Not only does he get the job done, but the man speaks only truth. For example to further my case here are a select few quotes from my favorite closer in baseball right now (note: Gange is back on the DL):
“I can understand why people wouldn't want to watch. So I just tell the fans, either turn down the radio or turn off the TV and go get a sandwich; because in 15 or 20 pitches it'll be over, one way or the other."
"I only pitch one inning. So by the time they realize I don't have anything, the inning's over."
“Slamming the bullpen door seems kind of silly when the guy who pitched before me throws 10mph faster than I do.”
Jones on Leyland:"The man has been amazing all year. He's the only guy I know who can wave his hand and make your sandwich taste better."
Those are just a few of the priceless quotes to come out the mouth of the great Todd Jones. For length purposes on I didn’t even include the time Jonesy said Jamie Walker’s fat contract would get Walker all the generic beer, Wal-Mart fishing lures, and NASCAR tickets he could ever want, that was pure gold. By the way Walker responded by saying, “I don’t drink generic beer! I drink Budweiser man!”
So Todd Jones gives me a reason to cheer for the Tigers while I extend my stay in Michigan through yet another baseball season. I love the man, I love watching him, I love watching my friends watch him, and I would love to party with him at some point in my life. In fact I like Jones so much I might shave my jungle into a Fu Man and name my dong, The Jones; is that name taken Papa Bear?
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Why the World is So Confusing
Yeah call your mothers, say a quick prayer of thanks, and get naked cause Juan Pablo’s back on eyeofthedog. First I would like to apologize for my absence. Recently I have touring the United States in search of the ultimate Freedom Town and needless to say Arkansas is anti-freedom. Between Branson, MO and NW Arkansas, a sweet spot I will refer to as “The Place Still Fighting the War of Northern Aggression”, my latest Freedom Tour Stop gets a placed somewhere between Stalin and Pat Robertson on the Freedom Lovers scale. But, I digress, onto my thoughts.
So last night we’re doing what any loyal fan of all things sports would do, watching the NCAA Women’s Championship game. The Lady Vols of Tennessee were in a fierce battle with the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, all together two giants going toe to toe. However, the most interesting story line of the game was phenom Candace Parker. In case you need a refresher, Parker is the girl who won the dunk contest just because she was a girl who could dunk. On a side note, I would hate to be one of the dudes who lost that contest because for the rest of their lives any insult they throw will be immediately volleyed with the inevitable “You lost to a girl in a dunk contest.” This is the equivalent of Ham Porter telling that prick with the letter jacket that he plays ball like a girl in the movie Sandlot. Insults like these put a man over the edge and one day we will hear about one of the dunk contest losers pulling a Pac Man. Back to Candace, she’s a good looking female specimen, in other words, she’s fine. Fine to the point that my pal Bcatt is wondering if it’s weird he’s attracted to a 6’4 black girl when he’s only 6’1. So we’re discussing how much we all like Candace when all of a sudden former Duke Center Sheldon Williams appears on the screen, with the top button buttoned on his collard shirt of course. At this point, I’m slightly confused, why is that douche bag (note: I’m a Duke sympathizer and still think this cat is a douche bag) at this game and why are they talking about Candace Parker’s game while showing his picture. Then all of sudden reality sets in and the world is flipped on its freaking end. The Anna Kournikova of women’s basketball is dating Candace Parker. SHELDON “I LOOK LIKE A BEAR WITH DOWN SYNDROM” WILLIAMS IS RAILING CANDANCE PARKER!!!! (Thank you Knockdown for that analogy).
I am now distraught. I just don’t get it, and then I begin to break it down. I ask myself a simple question, who dates women’s basketball players. I think back to my high school days and the reality sets in, there are only two types of guys who get with basketball players, well three if you throw the Amechi types in, but for the purposes of this blog we’re going to talk about two types. The first type of guy is the short fellow who goes after the hot ball player because he knows no one else will date her because of height. Basically, he recognizes his short falls and overachieves bec
ause he gets over the height difference. I can think of one or two circumstances on this but will not mention them here for fear of repercussion, but trust me, this happens and good for those guys cause I couldn’t get over the height thing, which is why I went after the volleyball player, well that and the spandex but that’s another post. The second type of guy, where our man Sheldon falls in, the gumpy basketball player. You see, the ballers on the team don’t waste their time with other girls basketball players; they go straight to the basketball groupies. This is why we don’t see a Kevin Durant type guy dating Candace and that’s why Kobe found his way to Eagle, Colorado (too soon? Nah). The gumpy guys can’t hang so they go with what they know, tall girls. This happened in my high school with a guy who we called Bunda. He was a tall basketball player who could bang the tramp and dated the other star basketball player who was good looking. Sheldon Williams is doing the same thing, however, I bet Coach K had to coach him into it cause, well he’s Sheldon Freaking Williams. Picture that arrangement:
Coach K: Sheldon this Candace.
Sheldon: Uhhhhhhh, can I grab her like rebound?
Coach K: No Sheldon, you may not or she will bitch slap you worse than Emeka Okafur did in the Final Four.
Sheldon: (starts crying)
Sorry about that, I got carried away. Now what can we conclude. Hot girls ballers are doomed when it comes to a good looking mate. So guys don’t feel bad or distressed about Sheldon Williams tappin’ a thorough bread dime peace, its just one of the quirks of planet earth.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
So last night we’re doing what any loyal fan of all things sports would do, watching the NCAA Women’s Championship game. The Lady Vols of Tennessee were in a fierce battle with the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, all together two giants going toe to toe. However, the most interesting story line of the game was phenom Candace Parker. In case you need a refresher, Parker is the girl who won the dunk contest just because she was a girl who could dunk. On a side note, I would hate to be one of the dudes who lost that contest because for the rest of their lives any insult they throw will be immediately volleyed with the inevitable “You lost to a girl in a dunk contest.” This is the equivalent of Ham Porter telling that prick with the letter jacket that he plays ball like a girl in the movie Sandlot. Insults like these put a man over the edge and one day we will hear about one of the dunk contest losers pulling a Pac Man. Back to Candace, she’s a good looking female specimen, in other words, she’s fine. Fine to the point that my pal Bcatt is wondering if it’s weird he’s attracted to a 6’4 black girl when he’s only 6’1. So we’re discussing how much we all like Candace when all of a sudden former Duke Center Sheldon Williams appears on the screen, with the top button buttoned on his collard shirt of course. At this point, I’m slightly confused, why is that douche bag (note: I’m a Duke sympathizer and still think this cat is a douche bag) at this game and why are they talking about Candace Parker’s game while showing his picture. Then all of sudden reality sets in and the world is flipped on its freaking end. The Anna Kournikova of women’s basketball is dating Candace Parker. SHELDON “I LOOK LIKE A BEAR WITH DOWN SYNDROM” WILLIAMS IS RAILING CANDANCE PARKER!!!! (Thank you Knockdown for that analogy).I am now distraught. I just don’t get it, and then I begin to break it down. I ask myself a simple question, who dates women’s basketball players. I think back to my high school days and the reality sets in, there are only two types of guys who get with basketball players, well three if you throw the Amechi types in, but for the purposes of this blog we’re going to talk about two types. The first type of guy is the short fellow who goes after the hot ball player because he knows no one else will date her because of height. Basically, he recognizes his short falls and overachieves bec
ause he gets over the height difference. I can think of one or two circumstances on this but will not mention them here for fear of repercussion, but trust me, this happens and good for those guys cause I couldn’t get over the height thing, which is why I went after the volleyball player, well that and the spandex but that’s another post. The second type of guy, where our man Sheldon falls in, the gumpy basketball player. You see, the ballers on the team don’t waste their time with other girls basketball players; they go straight to the basketball groupies. This is why we don’t see a Kevin Durant type guy dating Candace and that’s why Kobe found his way to Eagle, Colorado (too soon? Nah). The gumpy guys can’t hang so they go with what they know, tall girls. This happened in my high school with a guy who we called Bunda. He was a tall basketball player who could bang the tramp and dated the other star basketball player who was good looking. Sheldon Williams is doing the same thing, however, I bet Coach K had to coach him into it cause, well he’s Sheldon Freaking Williams. Picture that arrangement:Coach K: Sheldon this Candace.
Sheldon: Uhhhhhhh, can I grab her like rebound?
Coach K: No Sheldon, you may not or she will bitch slap you worse than Emeka Okafur did in the Final Four.
Sheldon: (starts crying)
Sorry about that, I got carried away. Now what can we conclude. Hot girls ballers are doomed when it comes to a good looking mate. So guys don’t feel bad or distressed about Sheldon Williams tappin’ a thorough bread dime peace, its just one of the quirks of planet earth.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo-
Monday, March 19, 2007
Dorm life at the U...
You may think Miami football players are only good at fighting, getting arrested, and not graduating, but you would be overlooking one major talent...rapping. The other day I was introduced to the song "7th Floor Crew" by the University of Miami Football team. You can listen to part of it here: http://www.myspace.com/7thfloorcrew or the whole thing here: http://flashwarner.com/2005/11/an_ode_to_a_gangbang.html
This song will blow your mind. If you aren't familiar with the "crew", it is nine past or present players from the Miami football team and another person not on the team, including:
This song will blow your mind. If you aren't familiar with the "crew", it is nine past or present players from the Miami football team and another person not on the team, including:
Greg Olsen "G-reg"
Jon Beason "Big Beast"
See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/7th_Floor_Crew for more details
Also, you NEED to read this post about the Vikings sex cruise and the 7th floor crew, it is incredible: http://zembla.cementhorizon.com/archives/004385.html
Another solid gold rap hit by a college athlete is "Michigan #1", by Brent Petway of the University of Michigan basketball team, also known as "Air Georgia." In this track, petway lays his flow over a beat using the Sports Center theme song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMIPahuaFxs
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
A Distraught Freedom Fan
My friends, today is a sad day in the history of this world. There is war, poverty, and hunger all around our globe as we speak. Perhaps most disturbing, though, is the event that took place over night in the land down under. At an airport in Sydney, Australia Sylvester Stallone, aka Rocky, was arrested for a banned substance, a muscle growing hormone, steroids.
To most of you, this might be another one of those ho hum steroids scandals akin to Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire. To me, this is more because baseball did not bring down the Berlin Wall. Baseball, all be it, is America’s game, but Rocky represents freedom in the same way a bald eagle bursting through the stars and stripes represents freedom. Rocky is freedom and that freedom is on the juice.
In Rocky IV, the freedom fighter Rocky Balboa went to the land of snow and beat the commies into the ground, then delivered a speech during which witnesses claimed to have seen pieces of concrete falling off the wall in Berlin. We were led to believe this feat was achieved through natural means, good old fashioned American Dream type work ethic (if you doubt me watch the 50 something-odd minutes of video montage where Rocky trains with railroad ties, mountain climbing, and wood chopping). Meanwhile, back in Moscow, the giant Russian was using technology and steroids. In the end American Work Ethic knocked out Communist Steroids and the Songs of Freedom rang throughout the land (Yes, any song by Survivor is a song of freedom). The purists had beaten the cheaters. The enemy had lost.
How could we be so naïve? The last time this had happen was when a small Shepard boy hit a giant in the forehead with a rock thousands of years ago. Why would we think Rocky could accomplish this feat without the aid of some substance? I mean under our noses was Barry, Mark, Sammy, and Jason hammering home runs, their heads the size of space helmets, busting records that were 50 years old, records set by men from old school, hard working America. I wouldn’t just say steroids won, steroids dominated our boys from the old school more than Walmart dominates the local drug store (in other words bends them over and says, “This is what you get for not hiring illegal immigrants bitch!”). The signs were all around us, we just chose to ignore because freedom rings free.
So where does this leave us? What conclusion can be drawn? If the symbol of purity in America was on the juice, if our beacon of freedom was on the juice, what else is or was on the juice? Was the USA Hockey team on steroids when we beat the Russians in 1980? Was “W” shooting some HGH in order to win two elections? How is Dick Cheney still alive (he does have a rather large cranium)? I’m not sure if any of these can be answered truthfully. If Rocky was injecting himself with a “muscle building” hormone, then anything could be a lie. The only thing I can be certain of is this…Freedom isn’t free…Freedom costs you your testicles.
To most of you, this might be another one of those ho hum steroids scandals akin to Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire. To me, this is more because baseball did not bring down the Berlin Wall. Baseball, all be it, is America’s game, but Rocky represents freedom in the same way a bald eagle bursting through the stars and stripes represents freedom. Rocky is freedom and that freedom is on the juice.
In Rocky IV, the freedom fighter Rocky Balboa went to the land of snow and beat the commies into the ground, then delivered a speech during which witnesses claimed to have seen pieces of concrete falling off the wall in Berlin. We were led to believe this feat was achieved through natural means, good old fashioned American Dream type work ethic (if you doubt me watch the 50 something-odd minutes of video montage where Rocky trains with railroad ties, mountain climbing, and wood chopping). Meanwhile, back in Moscow, the giant Russian was using technology and steroids. In the end American Work Ethic knocked out Communist Steroids and the Songs of Freedom rang throughout the land (Yes, any song by Survivor is a song of freedom). The purists had beaten the cheaters. The enemy had lost.
How could we be so naïve? The last time this had happen was when a small Shepard boy hit a giant in the forehead with a rock thousands of years ago. Why would we think Rocky could accomplish this feat without the aid of some substance? I mean under our noses was Barry, Mark, Sammy, and Jason hammering home runs, their heads the size of space helmets, busting records that were 50 years old, records set by men from old school, hard working America. I wouldn’t just say steroids won, steroids dominated our boys from the old school more than Walmart dominates the local drug store (in other words bends them over and says, “This is what you get for not hiring illegal immigrants bitch!”). The signs were all around us, we just chose to ignore because freedom rings free.
So where does this leave us? What conclusion can be drawn? If the symbol of purity in America was on the juice, if our beacon of freedom was on the juice, what else is or was on the juice? Was the USA Hockey team on steroids when we beat the Russians in 1980? Was “W” shooting some HGH in order to win two elections? How is Dick Cheney still alive (he does have a rather large cranium)? I’m not sure if any of these can be answered truthfully. If Rocky was injecting himself with a “muscle building” hormone, then anything could be a lie. The only thing I can be certain of is this…Freedom isn’t free…Freedom costs you your testicles.
Keep it fresh y'all (even in these dire times)
-Juan Pablo-
-Juan Pablo-
Friday, March 2, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I've had enough
I despise Michigan State and I’m not even a Michigan fan. I just wanted to make this known and write this so that I don’t call 1340 and ream one of the many personalities over there that gnaw on Sparty’s dick 24-7. Anyways, I’m sitting peacefully in my office, working on some oil and gas jazz (if you want specifics I was putting together a prospect inventory on a project in Idaho), listening to some sports radio when some guy named Paul (apparently a college basketball expert or something) comes on to talk about the Michigan-Michigan State game that went down last night. They’re going over the game when all of a sudden this guy says, Michigan State is in the tourney right now and Michigan was playing for their lives and Drew Nietzel was sick yah dee yah dee yah. Needless to say, I was in a rage similar to Anthony from Maui Fever (Wed. 10:30PM ET…watch it).Let’s lay this logic out. Paul and the on the bench crew is telling me that Michigan State is in because of a top 20 RPI and wins over Wisconsin, Texas, and BYU. Let’s run through these wins. Texas, at the bres by the way was a last second game before Durant decided to rule the kingdom we know as college basketball. Texas is also at large team. Last I checked, they split games with Oklahoma State and had not beaten Texas A&M or Kansas, the big dogs of the Big 12 (this could change tonight when A&M and Texas match up). Another note about the State-Texas game, they won on a last second shot. BYU, unranked mid major, nuff said. Wisconsin, good win on paper, they were ranked no 1 and no 2 in the polls and were leading the Big Ten Conference. However, we all forget this game was at the Breslin Center and Drew Neitzel was hitting impossible shots. I will give State the credit for this win but, the away team in this rivalry has not won in the last three years, and State was only a 1 pt. underdog in this game according to the gurus in Vegas. Those factors make this win less quality than people give them credit for. That’s the case for Michigan State in the tournament. Is every Western Michigan Radio announcer saying they are a lock because they all have a man crush on a bald headed white kid!
Here is the case against it. After Saturday, State is most likely going to be 8-8 in a conference that has only two quality teams. Against those quality teams, Sparty is going to be 1-3. The conference road record is going to be 1-8 (1-9 overall on the road) with the only road win coming against Penn State. They can’t win basketball games away from the friendly confines of the Breslin Center and the Izzone (speaking of which I’ve heard that in order to get tickets in the Izzone you need to consent to hanging a tastefully nude fresca of Tom Izzo, Paul Davis, and Mateen Cleeves running out of 7-11 with Steel Reserves in both rands above your bed; just something I heard). This is a big dance team? Everyone talks about Nietzel and how he was sick and that’s why they lost to Michigan. No they lost to Michigan because as soon as this team hops on a bus, train, or plane they lose. This team scored 38 points in game against Purdue in West Lafayette. 38 FREAKING POINTS! Neitzel must have had Ebola in order for this to happen! I just don’t get it. Finally, this team is going to be the 4th, 5th, 6th,7th, or 8th in the conference, depending on how Iowa, Illinois, Purdue, and Indiana (all bubble teams with better records than State) end their season.
Just doesn’t make sense to me. The record isn’t awesome and they don’t win road games. State is riding a wave of reputation and computer numbers. Even Joe Linardi, the Bracketology Guru of ESPN, says this team still has work to do. If this team gets bounced the first week in Chicago say hello to the NIT, Drew. And honestly, nothing will make me happier than to see the Izzone invade Madison Square Garden to play in the consolation bracket. Screw Sparty!
-Juan Pablo-
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Since you turned left
This article is for all the NASCAR haters out there….you will eat your words one day, and today is that day.
For my amigos and me the past 6 months can be coined year of the fantasy, and by fantasy I don’t mean Brad’s fantasy of every female specimen this side of the mason dixion line wearing juicy pants, I mean fantasy sports. I will even goes as far to say that we are all fantasy athletes. In the past six months we have all gotten into fantasy football, basketball, college b
asketball, golf, and the newly formed nascar league. We don’t play for money, only pride, and so we can make fun of Bcatt because his teams always suck. Its quite fun actually, I have become more in tune with sports I normally pay little attention too. Point in case:NASCAR.
I will be the first to admit that for the first twenty three years and 6 months of my life, I have been a NASCAR hater. Watching cars go around a track for 5 hours was the equivalent of taking a railroad spike in the eye. Nascar was for wife beating, trailer living, country living, family used to own a plantation kinds of people. Not for me, a jam band listening, backpacking, sailing, northerner whose closest car racing experience came from a two night stay at Perry, Georgia's own sugar mamma, Dana Odom; who was good on the dirt track but still getting used to asphalt. However, I was wrong. NASCAR transcends all stereotypes.
Two weeks ago was the Daytona 500, the beginning of the Peaches Fantasy NASCAR League as well as the start of my questioning why NASCAR was so bad. The Daytona 500 was arguably the best race in recent memory (I did not get to watch the race but received phone updates about the race from a few, more than excited fans, at the 145; with one claiming that the Daytona 500 of 2007 ranks in the top 5 sports events of his life). The race featured overtime, a massive crash like ones you and your friends attempt to start at the local go kart track, scandal, and a fantastic race to the finish line where the winner won by 0.020 sec margin of victory. The race was so intense that Brad allegedly was in an upright position for the last twenty laps. So I ask myself, how could have missed twenty three years of nascar action?
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Well, I don’t know how I missed it but I can tell you how began to notice. Fantasy NASCAR has done me in. I now devote time out of my life to reading race previews, driver updates, and gossip from around the garage so Peaches Motorsports can dominate the league. The same goes for others in our league who have tapped the internet, personal contacts, and work related sources so they can be crowned fantasy nascar guru of 2007. In a matter of two weeks, twenty three years of hating on NASCAR was tossed out the window in less time than a Britney Spears rehab stint.
Now, one can argue that I am not a NASCAR fan, only a fan of competion. And up until today, I couldn’t argue with you, until now. The turning point you ask, Kelly Clarkson. That’s right Kelly Clarkson, the first American Idol winner and Grammy winner, is a NASCAR fan. This bit of information put me over the top. If Kelly is a fan, then I am a fan. Kelly even made the claim that watching NASCAR is more exciting than winning a Grammy. Kelly, you speak truth, and as a result I will follow you and state that yes, Juan Pablo is no longer a NASCAR hater but a fan. That from now on, I will treat the
day after race day the same way I treat the day after football, reading reviews and absorbing stats from the previous days action. I will make the race a topic of conversation with my father. (Last year my dad started watching races and I gave him hell for it, going as far to say that he supported a confederate revival because he liked NASCAR. He responded to my harassment by saying, “It’s the ultimate napping sport, you see the start, you fall asleep, you wake up and see the best part.” Turns out my dad was a genious) There you go amigos, I enjoy NASCAR and trust me there is plenty of room on this bandwagon. Kelly and I will be saving a seat for you. Keep it fresh y’all.
-Juan Pablo-
For my amigos and me the past 6 months can be coined year of the fantasy, and by fantasy I don’t mean Brad’s fantasy of every female specimen this side of the mason dixion line wearing juicy pants, I mean fantasy sports. I will even goes as far to say that we are all fantasy athletes. In the past six months we have all gotten into fantasy football, basketball, college b
asketball, golf, and the newly formed nascar league. We don’t play for money, only pride, and so we can make fun of Bcatt because his teams always suck. Its quite fun actually, I have become more in tune with sports I normally pay little attention too. Point in case:NASCAR.I will be the first to admit that for the first twenty three years and 6 months of my life, I have been a NASCAR hater. Watching cars go around a track for 5 hours was the equivalent of taking a railroad spike in the eye. Nascar was for wife beating, trailer living, country living, family used to own a plantation kinds of people. Not for me, a jam band listening, backpacking, sailing, northerner whose closest car racing experience came from a two night stay at Perry, Georgia's own sugar mamma, Dana Odom; who was good on the dirt track but still getting used to asphalt. However, I was wrong. NASCAR transcends all stereotypes.
Two weeks ago was the Daytona 500, the beginning of the Peaches Fantasy NASCAR League as well as the start of my questioning why NASCAR was so bad. The Daytona 500 was arguably the best race in recent memory (I did not get to watch the race but received phone updates about the race from a few, more than excited fans, at the 145; with one claiming that the Daytona 500 of 2007 ranks in the top 5 sports events of his life). The race featured overtime, a massive crash like ones you and your friends attempt to start at the local go kart track, scandal, and a fantastic race to the finish line where the winner won by 0.020 sec margin of victory. The race was so intense that Brad allegedly was in an upright position for the last twenty laps. So I ask myself, how could have missed twenty three years of nascar action?
.jpg)
Well, I don’t know how I missed it but I can tell you how began to notice. Fantasy NASCAR has done me in. I now devote time out of my life to reading race previews, driver updates, and gossip from around the garage so Peaches Motorsports can dominate the league. The same goes for others in our league who have tapped the internet, personal contacts, and work related sources so they can be crowned fantasy nascar guru of 2007. In a matter of two weeks, twenty three years of hating on NASCAR was tossed out the window in less time than a Britney Spears rehab stint.Now, one can argue that I am not a NASCAR fan, only a fan of competion. And up until today, I couldn’t argue with you, until now. The turning point you ask, Kelly Clarkson. That’s right Kelly Clarkson, the first American Idol winner and Grammy winner, is a NASCAR fan. This bit of information put me over the top. If Kelly is a fan, then I am a fan. Kelly even made the claim that watching NASCAR is more exciting than winning a Grammy. Kelly, you speak truth, and as a result I will follow you and state that yes, Juan Pablo is no longer a NASCAR hater but a fan. That from now on, I will treat the
day after race day the same way I treat the day after football, reading reviews and absorbing stats from the previous days action. I will make the race a topic of conversation with my father. (Last year my dad started watching races and I gave him hell for it, going as far to say that he supported a confederate revival because he liked NASCAR. He responded to my harassment by saying, “It’s the ultimate napping sport, you see the start, you fall asleep, you wake up and see the best part.” Turns out my dad was a genious) There you go amigos, I enjoy NASCAR and trust me there is plenty of room on this bandwagon. Kelly and I will be saving a seat for you. Keep it fresh y’all.-Juan Pablo-
Friday, February 23, 2007
Lets Get Ready to Rumble
Whatever happened to……
So I decided I need some type of regularity in our posts here at eyeofthedog, something for the “hoi polloi” (I want to credit google word of the day for adding to my vocab...if you dont have it get and it will make you smarter..well maybe not but you drop the word lapidary on someone and see the wtf face) to look forward to weekly. After much deliberation I decided that every week we post a “Whatever Happened To….” (Insert person, celebrity, fad, or object here) blog. If you have any curiousities about a whatever happened to-- please post send them to eyeofthdog@gmail.com and we here at eyeofthdog will do our best to track it down for you. Onto this week’s edition.
Whatever Happened To Jock Jams?
This past weekend I took a trip to the Lou with my buddies Bcatt and Knock Down (the origin of the nickname Knock Down is a whole other post). On the drive home I recommended we put together a play list for my wedding this summer, in case you didn’t know Juan Pablo is teaming up with one crew chief for all future racing seasons to come; I’m stoked. We started thinking about songs, when from the back seat Knock Down hollers, “Jump Around” by House of Pain. Not only was this a great pick but Knock Down’s suggestion got me thinking about Jock Jams.
For those of who you missed middle school or were sucked into a pop culture-less bubble like so many in Western Michigan, Jock Jams was a series of cds released in the mid nineties featuring classic songs usually heard at sporting events. Volume 1 was realeased in 1995 and featured such classics such as “Whoomp! There it is” (Tag Team), Tootsee Roll (69 Boys), The Power (Snap), Unbelievable (EMF) and of course the ageless wonder Michael Buffer aka the guy whose key to fame is the slogan “Lets get ready to rumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllle!”. (sidebar: If anyone has lived
the American Dream its Buffer, fame and fortune with little amount of work. I mean how many of us wish our job description was to utter one phrase in an enthusiastic manner before WWF matches. I know I do).*Sidebar to the sidebar. Michael Buffer’s website states: Since 1999, the "LGRTR®" brand has surpassed $400,000,000 in retail sales of its branded licensed products and ventures for its licensees internationally with many other products and ventures being developed for future release. And defines “Lets get ready to rumble!” (lgrtr) as: “LGRTR!”® is known as the “clarion call to the pure integrity of the competitive spirit”, promoting an “adrenalin boosting, positive will to win attitude!” in the hearts and minds of fans of all ages.*
Back to Jock Jams. Volumes 2 through 5 were released throughout the mid nineties followed up by Jock Jams: The All Star Jock Jams in 2001. As far as I can tell, besides a poor revival attempt in 2003 by ESPN with the release of Stadium Anthems: Music for the Fans in 2003, Jock Jams went to the new millennium graveyard to sit alongside other 1990s classics such as trapper keepers, snap bracelets, Baywatch and the Pontiac Transport (RIP Red Rocket).
The death of Jock Jams is quite sad to the children of the nineties. I strongly believe that without Jock Jams my generation would have missed out on such classics such as No Diggity (Blackstreet), Let Me Clear My Throat (D.J. Cool), the R.O.W.D.I.E cheer, Cotton Eye Joe (Rednex), and Knock Down’s personal fav, House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” A world with no Jump Around gives me chills and not just because I am a Wisconsin Badger fan. Jock Jams was more than a bunch of arena classics, it was a portal into the world of hip-hop for middle school white kids. Jock Jams was safe, at least safer than Dr. Dre, and our parents would let us buy it, giving us a taste of hip hop. (note: the last argument may be a stretch and bringing hip hop to my generation could actually be credited to the lyrical masterpiece Regulators by Warren G but for arguments sake I’m in the Jock Jams corner)
So I decided I need some type of regularity in our posts here at eyeofthedog, something for the “hoi polloi” (I want to credit google word of the day for adding to my vocab...if you dont have it get and it will make you smarter..well maybe not but you drop the word lapidary on someone and see the wtf face) to look forward to weekly. After much deliberation I decided that every week we post a “Whatever Happened To….” (Insert person, celebrity, fad, or object here) blog. If you have any curiousities about a whatever happened to-- please post send them to eyeofthdog@gmail.com and we here at eyeofthdog will do our best to track it down for you. Onto this week’s edition.
Whatever Happened To Jock Jams?This past weekend I took a trip to the Lou with my buddies Bcatt and Knock Down (the origin of the nickname Knock Down is a whole other post). On the drive home I recommended we put together a play list for my wedding this summer, in case you didn’t know Juan Pablo is teaming up with one crew chief for all future racing seasons to come; I’m stoked. We started thinking about songs, when from the back seat Knock Down hollers, “Jump Around” by House of Pain. Not only was this a great pick but Knock Down’s suggestion got me thinking about Jock Jams.
For those of who you missed middle school or were sucked into a pop culture-less bubble like so many in Western Michigan, Jock Jams was a series of cds released in the mid nineties featuring classic songs usually heard at sporting events. Volume 1 was realeased in 1995 and featured such classics such as “Whoomp! There it is” (Tag Team), Tootsee Roll (69 Boys), The Power (Snap), Unbelievable (EMF) and of course the ageless wonder Michael Buffer aka the guy whose key to fame is the slogan “Lets get ready to rumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllle!”. (sidebar: If anyone has lived
the American Dream its Buffer, fame and fortune with little amount of work. I mean how many of us wish our job description was to utter one phrase in an enthusiastic manner before WWF matches. I know I do).*Sidebar to the sidebar. Michael Buffer’s website states: Since 1999, the "LGRTR®" brand has surpassed $400,000,000 in retail sales of its branded licensed products and ventures for its licensees internationally with many other products and ventures being developed for future release. And defines “Lets get ready to rumble!” (lgrtr) as: “LGRTR!”® is known as the “clarion call to the pure integrity of the competitive spirit”, promoting an “adrenalin boosting, positive will to win attitude!” in the hearts and minds of fans of all ages.*Back to Jock Jams. Volumes 2 through 5 were released throughout the mid nineties followed up by Jock Jams: The All Star Jock Jams in 2001. As far as I can tell, besides a poor revival attempt in 2003 by ESPN with the release of Stadium Anthems: Music for the Fans in 2003, Jock Jams went to the new millennium graveyard to sit alongside other 1990s classics such as trapper keepers, snap bracelets, Baywatch and the Pontiac Transport (RIP Red Rocket).
The death of Jock Jams is quite sad to the children of the nineties. I strongly believe that without Jock Jams my generation would have missed out on such classics such as No Diggity (Blackstreet), Let Me Clear My Throat (D.J. Cool), the R.O.W.D.I.E cheer, Cotton Eye Joe (Rednex), and Knock Down’s personal fav, House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” A world with no Jump Around gives me chills and not just because I am a Wisconsin Badger fan. Jock Jams was more than a bunch of arena classics, it was a portal into the world of hip-hop for middle school white kids. Jock Jams was safe, at least safer than Dr. Dre, and our parents would let us buy it, giving us a taste of hip hop. (note: the last argument may be a stretch and bringing hip hop to my generation could actually be credited to the lyrical masterpiece Regulators by Warren G but for arguments sake I’m in the Jock Jams corner)
Jock Jams death also afflicted pain on the artists as well. Look what happened when Jock Jams went away. Erick Shrody (lead singer of House of Pain) turned into Everlast and created extremely depressing-almost-grunge-except-12-years-to-late-when-it-wasn’t-cool-anymore music. Clearly fueled by the fact that Jock Jams was no more, and had no reason to be the cream of the crop and to rise to the top. And now he’s probably shooting pigs cuz a pig is a cop because in the past Jock Jams gave him a reason not to. And he’s no longer a terminator like Arnold Schwarzenaager but has digressed and become boring much like Arnold did when he entered politics. We need him to pack it up and pack it in again. We need him to make us jump and touch the ceiling.
So whats the solution? How do we save artists and music fans of the Jock Jams generation as well as save the childeren of today from turning into musicians that front bands like Everlast and Creed. Well, come up with Jock Jams 7 of course. I have two or three friends who would hop on this in a second, most notably being Knock Down, and throw together a new and improved Jock Jams for all fans to enjoy. I mean its been 4 years since the last installment (6 years if you count all stars as a Jock Jams Greatest Hits album). Think of all the amazing stuff that has come up between now and then. In that time we have blessed with bands such as The Darkness, the Black Eyed Peas including a Fergie solo career, and the rise of Krunk Music. I also would propose to put a few tracks on Jock Jams 7 by athletes. Imagine listening to a disc that featured Lil John’s Throw it Up followed up by a Ron Artest rhyme which would stream into C-Webb flow and finally close out with the Diesel yelling ALLLLA KAAAZAAAAAAM!. It would be gold as my buddy Dicky likes to say, pure gold.
So whats the solution? How do we save artists and music fans of the Jock Jams generation as well as save the childeren of today from turning into musicians that front bands like Everlast and Creed. Well, come up with Jock Jams 7 of course. I have two or three friends who would hop on this in a second, most notably being Knock Down, and throw together a new and improved Jock Jams for all fans to enjoy. I mean its been 4 years since the last installment (6 years if you count all stars as a Jock Jams Greatest Hits album). Think of all the amazing stuff that has come up between now and then. In that time we have blessed with bands such as The Darkness, the Black Eyed Peas including a Fergie solo career, and the rise of Krunk Music. I also would propose to put a few tracks on Jock Jams 7 by athletes. Imagine listening to a disc that featured Lil John’s Throw it Up followed up by a Ron Artest rhyme which would stream into C-Webb flow and finally close out with the Diesel yelling ALLLLA KAAAZAAAAAAM!. It would be gold as my buddy Dicky likes to say, pure gold.But to get back to the original question Jock Jams is dead, for now, and we are all worse off for it. Until then I suggest you go to amazon and purchase a box set of Jock Jams.
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo and the Rocketfella-
Keep it fresh y’all
-Juan Pablo and the Rocketfella-
Bi-Weekly Maui Fever Update
Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of hatred aimed towards Maui Fever. They say that the Fever is just like Laguna beach. The stories are scripted, the people are actors. If you watch it, they say, you like dudes. To all the Fever-hating Tim Hardaway’s of the world I say this: The Fever is everything Laguna is too scared to be. The Fever is real, raw, juicy, and loaded with a nasty surprise. Does that sound gay to you?
I didn’t think so.
First you all need to understand something.
Laguna beach is a television show. Maui Fever is an attitude.
Let me Rob
Bell
This For
you
MOVEMENT ONE SURF Trying to explain how awesome it is to anyone who hasn’t watched the show is like trying to explain why Ghena on a horse is so funny. You either get it or you don’t. We get it, and it has become a tradition at the 145 and beyond. Wednesdays from 10:30-11 I get my dose of drama and excitement for the week. The storyline is hard hitting and full of suprises, and the 8 min commercial breaks give us all time to reflect on what just happened, where we think the story is going, and which chick is hotter. (side note) what is the deal with Anna? Sometimes I think she’s really hot and then she’ll turn to the side or make a weird face, and then I don’t want anything to do with her. Like the “two face” from Seinfeld or pictures of girls you get back from spring break. I can only think of one other woman I feel the same about: Meredith from Grey’s. She looks good….good…gooood, then ,out of nowhere, Oldface! By the expression on her face alone she managed to age 35 years. You all know what I’m talking about.
The show comes back from commercial, and you are so happy to see it back you feel like cheebs finding a Mt. St. Helens documentary. And the hits just keep coming.
“Dude, look he’s got scissors!”
“Bryce get out the window!”
What are they doing? Why would anyone act this way? As you keep watching the show it all starts to come together. You realize that their story is really our story. Their lives are our lives. Maui Fever is a microcosm of a larger idea.
Get brain, go surfing.
What could be gay about that?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Hey A.I.--you're no longer The Answer, skimmdaddy is
During a recent class period at school I was highly entertained by the person in front of me as they took part in YAhoo! Answers. I had no idea what Yahoo! Answers was, and so I darted off to the computer lab to find out for myself.
Here's what I found:
-- You can either ask a question or answer questions.
-- There are various categories (i.e. sports, music, religion) where your question can be posted or where you can seek to answer questions.
-- Your questions can be about absolutely anything.
-- You get points for answering questions and having people pick your's as the best answer. And you get negative points for asking questions. The accumulation of points can bring you to different "levels."
-- The points mean nothing. The levels mean nothing as well. The only thing the points do is make it so you not only ask but answer as well because if you run out of points you cannot ask.
So I decided to test out this "Yahoo! Answers," and see how it could be a benefit to me, and you, the reader.
Here are my questions and answers I received--
1. How awesome are the "Insane Clown Posse?"
--- "Kristonia" said, "Not at all."
---"1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" responded, "I like them, great concert. I'm 50."
Wow. Your 50. Your screename is "1970 Mopar Muscle GAl." You like ICP. And you've seen them in concert. Wow.
Wow.
Is this Scholten's mom?
Scholten secretely likes ICP and is posing as a 50 year old woman?
---"Alejandro r," says "ICP sucks." and his source(you can include a source from which you got your answer to answer the question) was, "ICP sucks." Clever Alejandro, clever.
Conflicting answers here make me question YAhoo! answers, but "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal," seems like somebody I can trust so I will award her with the best answer.
2.Can you buy "Reading Rainbow," on DVD?
---"Kenny W," came through for me here, and told me "Yes," and even gave me the source--- www.amazon.com. --- Only a man with an avatar that has purple glasses would be able to answer this for me. Obviously a Lavar Burton fan.
3. Who will win the Auto Club 500?
--- The only answer I received for this one was also from "Kenny W," who said that it would be Kevin Harvick. This is a lame answer. The only reason he answered this is because Kevin Harvick just won the Daytona 500. I should have known, after seeing that "Kenny W's" avatar was wearing purple glasses, that he wouldn't be able to help me out here. No NASCAR fans would ever wear purple glasses. I wish "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" would have helped me out. Yahoo! answers has failed me. I expected more repsonses. Maybe most NASCAR fans don't know how to use computers.
4. Does Nick Lachey shave his chest?
---To this I received two responses: "Yes." and "My guess is he has it waxed." Here, it seems that we have contradicting answers. Shaven? or Waxed? What if I really need to know this? What if my life depended on it? Yahoo! Answers has failed me again it seems.
5. What is a "Hulkamaniac"?(I learned after posting this question that you're limited to 5 questions a day.)
---Most answered: A fan of Hulk Hogan. But "skimdaddy" really went to town, and so I awarded him the best answer.
He said: Being a Hulkamaniac is more than being a fan of Hulk Hogan. A true Hulkamaniac must say his prayers, take his vitamins and do what the Hulkster tells him. Also, as his entry song said, "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, they gotta feel bad it don't help to hide. If you hurt their friends, then you hurt their pride. They gotta feel bad they can't let it hide. They are the Real Americans, fight for the rights of every man. "Thanks for the stroll down memory lane .
Conclusion: Yahoo! Answers can be fun and informative if you have intelligent people like skimdaddy answering questions. But it can also leave you hanging when you ask important questions about Nick Lachey's chest hair. Overall -- a good time waster.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.
Here's what I found:
-- You can either ask a question or answer questions.
-- There are various categories (i.e. sports, music, religion) where your question can be posted or where you can seek to answer questions.
-- Your questions can be about absolutely anything.
-- You get points for answering questions and having people pick your's as the best answer. And you get negative points for asking questions. The accumulation of points can bring you to different "levels."
-- The points mean nothing. The levels mean nothing as well. The only thing the points do is make it so you not only ask but answer as well because if you run out of points you cannot ask.
So I decided to test out this "Yahoo! Answers," and see how it could be a benefit to me, and you, the reader.
Here are my questions and answers I received--
1. How awesome are the "Insane Clown Posse?"
--- "Kristonia" said, "Not at all."
---"1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" responded, "I like them, great concert. I'm 50."
Wow. Your 50. Your screename is "1970 Mopar Muscle GAl." You like ICP. And you've seen them in concert. Wow.
Wow.
Is this Scholten's mom?
Scholten secretely likes ICP and is posing as a 50 year old woman?
---"Alejandro r," says "ICP sucks." and his source(you can include a source from which you got your answer to answer the question) was, "ICP sucks." Clever Alejandro, clever.
Conflicting answers here make me question YAhoo! answers, but "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal," seems like somebody I can trust so I will award her with the best answer.
2.Can you buy "Reading Rainbow," on DVD?
---"Kenny W," came through for me here, and told me "Yes," and even gave me the source--- www.amazon.com. --- Only a man with an avatar that has purple glasses would be able to answer this for me. Obviously a Lavar Burton fan.
3. Who will win the Auto Club 500?
--- The only answer I received for this one was also from "Kenny W," who said that it would be Kevin Harvick. This is a lame answer. The only reason he answered this is because Kevin Harvick just won the Daytona 500. I should have known, after seeing that "Kenny W's" avatar was wearing purple glasses, that he wouldn't be able to help me out here. No NASCAR fans would ever wear purple glasses. I wish "1970 Mopar Muscle Gal" would have helped me out. Yahoo! answers has failed me. I expected more repsonses. Maybe most NASCAR fans don't know how to use computers.
4. Does Nick Lachey shave his chest?
---To this I received two responses: "Yes." and "My guess is he has it waxed." Here, it seems that we have contradicting answers. Shaven? or Waxed? What if I really need to know this? What if my life depended on it? Yahoo! Answers has failed me again it seems.
5. What is a "Hulkamaniac"?(I learned after posting this question that you're limited to 5 questions a day.)
---Most answered: A fan of Hulk Hogan. But "skimdaddy" really went to town, and so I awarded him the best answer.
He said: Being a Hulkamaniac is more than being a fan of Hulk Hogan. A true Hulkamaniac must say his prayers, take his vitamins and do what the Hulkster tells him. Also, as his entry song said, "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, they gotta feel bad it don't help to hide. If you hurt their friends, then you hurt their pride. They gotta feel bad they can't let it hide. They are the Real Americans, fight for the rights of every man. "Thanks for the stroll down memory lane .
Conclusion: Yahoo! Answers can be fun and informative if you have intelligent people like skimdaddy answering questions. But it can also leave you hanging when you ask important questions about Nick Lachey's chest hair. Overall -- a good time waster.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
A Fallen Icon
Over the weekend and into this week I have been perusing my usual news sources and one story keeps popping up more than most. Something so big that it has eclipsed the War in Iraq, a Mt. Hood mountain rescue, and Anna Nicole Smith...that's correct mi amigos....Britney Spears shaving her head. Rest assured, I have pondered this more than all of you and have now finally 
settled on an answer to the question...Why has Britney shaved her head? Ladies and gentlemen I give you my thesis.......
Britney Spears shaved her head in pursuit of the unfathomable cycle of hotness, a completion of four separate levels of attractiveness no one has yet to achieve in the modern era.
That's right kids Britney is attempting to bowl the hotness equivalent of a 300 game. To show you what I'm talking about I've done you the honor of enlightening you on the Juan Pablo Cycle of Hotness.
The Single -Girl Next Door Hot: Britney achieved innocent hotness prior to the JT fling during the "Oops I Did it Again" phase of her career, largely due to the school girl outfit rocked in the video. (side bar, you can trace Britney's innocence hotness all the way back to the mickey mouse club but sorry, unless your name is Brad and you call yourself HR you don't mention this in public, for all intensive purposes junior high girls are off limits for eyeofthedog)
The Double - You Wanna See Me Topless Hot: If any of you dudes out there at no time in your life found Britney spears bangin', you missed this phase and i advise you to do one of two things, 1)watch the slave video and 2)stay away from Tim Hardaway. Britney achieved I am bangin, you all wanna see me topless, and I know it so I'm going to screw (eg. making out with Madonna at the VMAs) with you hot during the toxic, slave, pre Kfed point of her career. Not gonna lie she had a good run going.
The Triple - Ron Mexico Hot: Yes that's right Ron Mexico hot, you know the girl whose
hot but 
you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole out of straight fear of how your next few doctors appointments would shape up. (sidebar: we all have one friend in our crew that goes for this girl and I want to take this time to thank all the Ron Mexicos out there; without you guys taking one for the team the rest of us would have no stories to tell; we live vicariously through you so keep up the, eehhhh, "good" work). There are a few analogs here: Tara Ried, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan; two of whom our girl Britney rolled with while seeking the elusive triple. The Ron Mexico stage is a bit of a roller coaster, usually signified by random hookups, substance abuse, and in rare cases, a child. If Meatloaf is correct in saying "two out of three ain't bad" then put Britney at the head of the class cause she's battin' 1000. K-fed, alcohol, and not one but two kids ladies and gents. Add pole dancing with Paris, rolling with a cracked out Lohan, and her own version of the vagina monologues and Britney is in a whole other league. Put it this way, if Senor Mexico saw Britney the odds on No. 7 passing the buck to his younger brother Marcus "i got the beer, you're 17, let's party" Vick are somewhere around 3:1.
The Hom-a-run - I Could Shave My Head and Still be Hot, Hot: Tough group to crack...I mean only a few have reached or even made a valiant effort to join the ranks of women who have shaved their heads and are hotter for it. I give credit to Natalie
Portman for bringing this to light (if you think I'm crazy go watch V for Vendeta...she got hotter with a shaved head...no lie!). Others to make valiant efforts include Sinead O'Connor and Demi Moore. Well, to say the least Britney's attempt had about as much success as Curt Schilling on Celebrity Jeopardy (to his credit he ran the sports category). The only thing I can think of is that Britney was trying to shed the "guys without nalgenes with secret compartments won't hang with me" reputation of the her Ron Mexico era. She was simply trying to redeem her sex symbol status. Well either that or Britney's has gone off the deep end. Jury's still out.
Anyways Britney, I will always cherish Toxic and gleefully await your Flavor of Love cameo.....keep it fresh ya'll
-Juan Pablo-
settled on an answer to the question...Why has Britney shaved her head? Ladies and gentlemen I give you my thesis.......
Britney Spears shaved her head in pursuit of the unfathomable cycle of hotness, a completion of four separate levels of attractiveness no one has yet to achieve in the modern era.
That's right kids Britney is attempting to bowl the hotness equivalent of a 300 game. To show you what I'm talking about I've done you the honor of enlightening you on the Juan Pablo Cycle of Hotness.
The Single -Girl Next Door Hot: Britney achieved innocent hotness prior to the JT fling during the "Oops I Did it Again" phase of her career, largely due to the school girl outfit rocked in the video. (side bar, you can trace Britney's innocence hotness all the way back to the mickey mouse club but sorry, unless your name is Brad and you call yourself HR you don't mention this in public, for all intensive purposes junior high girls are off limits for eyeofthedog)
The Double - You Wanna See Me Topless Hot: If any of you dudes out there at no time in your life found Britney spears bangin', you missed this phase and i advise you to do one of two things, 1)watch the slave video and 2)stay away from Tim Hardaway. Britney achieved I am bangin, you all wanna see me topless, and I know it so I'm going to screw (eg. making out with Madonna at the VMAs) with you hot during the toxic, slave, pre Kfed point of her career. Not gonna lie she had a good run going.
The Triple - Ron Mexico Hot: Yes that's right Ron Mexico hot, you know the girl whose
hot but 
you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole out of straight fear of how your next few doctors appointments would shape up. (sidebar: we all have one friend in our crew that goes for this girl and I want to take this time to thank all the Ron Mexicos out there; without you guys taking one for the team the rest of us would have no stories to tell; we live vicariously through you so keep up the, eehhhh, "good" work). There are a few analogs here: Tara Ried, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan; two of whom our girl Britney rolled with while seeking the elusive triple. The Ron Mexico stage is a bit of a roller coaster, usually signified by random hookups, substance abuse, and in rare cases, a child. If Meatloaf is correct in saying "two out of three ain't bad" then put Britney at the head of the class cause she's battin' 1000. K-fed, alcohol, and not one but two kids ladies and gents. Add pole dancing with Paris, rolling with a cracked out Lohan, and her own version of the vagina monologues and Britney is in a whole other league. Put it this way, if Senor Mexico saw Britney the odds on No. 7 passing the buck to his younger brother Marcus "i got the beer, you're 17, let's party" Vick are somewhere around 3:1.
The Hom-a-run - I Could Shave My Head and Still be Hot, Hot: Tough group to crack...I mean only a few have reached or even made a valiant effort to join the ranks of women who have shaved their heads and are hotter for it. I give credit to Natalie
Portman for bringing this to light (if you think I'm crazy go watch V for Vendeta...she got hotter with a shaved head...no lie!). Others to make valiant efforts include Sinead O'Connor and Demi Moore. Well, to say the least Britney's attempt had about as much success as Curt Schilling on Celebrity Jeopardy (to his credit he ran the sports category). The only thing I can think of is that Britney was trying to shed the "guys without nalgenes with secret compartments won't hang with me" reputation of the her Ron Mexico era. She was simply trying to redeem her sex symbol status. Well either that or Britney's has gone off the deep end. Jury's still out.Anyways Britney, I will always cherish Toxic and gleefully await your Flavor of Love cameo.....keep it fresh ya'll
-Juan Pablo-
Ode to Oliver Miller
Not to long ago I was riding shotgun in THE PUNISHER on my way home from the Silver Derby, when I was informed that Lavar Arrington and Serena Williams had a relationship. This blew me away because they are both thicker than Oliver Miller after he eats the quadruple stacker from Burger King.
I dwelled on this fact for a few weeks, thinking about what their kids would look like, who was actually thicker, who would win in arm wrestling and if they needed to get a larger than average toilet. I was just about done with my Lavena fetish when the dunk contest came on. I have been a huge fan of NBA all-star weekend since the days of "baby Jordan," Harold Miner and a blind-folded Cedric Ceballos. This year was no different. I was especially excited to see Dwight Howard dunk. Especially since I heard he potitioned the league to bring in an 11ft basket to dunk on. Then it happened-as I watched Dwight Howard put his sticker on the top of the backboard I examined his thickness and realized that he had to be the super-human 3 year old love child of Lavena. There was no other way that a man could be so thick and have so much athletic ability. It is just rediculous. To affirm this truth, all I had to do was look to the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. There is an interview with Dwight Howard where he says that if he went to college he would major in computer science and theatre. He said computer science "because I like cell phones.".........3 year old, dude.
Forget steroids or HGH, a super-human race is being formed by abnormal athletes mating with each other---run while you still can--before Sam Cassel (an obvious alien) and Cheryl Miller mate.
OUT
I give you.....Juan Pablo
hola pacos,
i dont even know what that means....this is juan pablo, a co-creator, along with my beloved rocketfella, and original blogger on our new found eyeofthedog....this blog is a blog of randomness, insight, love, spirituality and nascar... to kick off the 2007 blogging season (there will be an mvb (most valuable blogger) by the way so this is a season) i thought i should explain my namesake. You see Juan Pablo is a man who is respected in many circles. He speacializes in left turns, fast cars, and long walks on the beach. A man who will crack a pbr asap and still consider himself classy. Juan Pablo is a mans man, a chaps chap and as Lonesome Geogre Thorogood says, "He'll make a rich woman beg." But really at the heart it all I only know is that Juan Pablo is a nascar driver with a BAMF name which is why I will be giving you my take on eyeofthedog as the one, the only, Juan Pablo. Keep it fresh y'all.
-Juan Pablo-
i dont even know what that means....this is juan pablo, a co-creator, along with my beloved rocketfella, and original blogger on our new found eyeofthedog....this blog is a blog of randomness, insight, love, spirituality and nascar... to kick off the 2007 blogging season (there will be an mvb (most valuable blogger) by the way so this is a season) i thought i should explain my namesake. You see Juan Pablo is a man who is respected in many circles. He speacializes in left turns, fast cars, and long walks on the beach. A man who will crack a pbr asap and still consider himself classy. Juan Pablo is a mans man, a chaps chap and as Lonesome Geogre Thorogood says, "He'll make a rich woman beg." But really at the heart it all I only know is that Juan Pablo is a nascar driver with a BAMF name which is why I will be giving you my take on eyeofthedog as the one, the only, Juan Pablo. Keep it fresh y'all.
-Juan Pablo-
Monday, February 19, 2007
From the Creators
Welcome to the "Eye of the Dog," in the year of the Pig. This blog will be about anything and everything and will have various contributors. Most of us hail from WEstern Michigan.
The wheels are the things on the car that make contact with the road. The car is the thing on the road that takes you home to your abode.
OUT
The wheels are the things on the car that make contact with the road. The car is the thing on the road that takes you home to your abode.
OUT
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